Time Out!

“There are just not enough hours in the day”, how many times have we heard that?  How many times have we said that? I remember when I was a stay-at-home Mom how I was so busy all the time, even though to the world’s standards I wasn’t “working”.  Sure, I wasn’t getting paid, but by God, I WAS WORKING!  The day didn’t get any longer when I did start working part time, or later when I took on school as well, or even when I tagged on a second job to all of that!

It is a lie to believe that there are not enough hours in the day.  The truth is, we have just the same amount of time as everyone else.  If we’re doing what is purposed for us in a wise, timely manner, we will have enough time, however, we are not purposed to take on the tasks of others, like we women so often do. 

We are also overtaxing ourselves when we take on too many projects at a time, feeling like we can do it all and then feeling guilty when we are unable to complete the tasks.  I do believe we can do it all, just not all at once. 

It’s also important to remember that priorities and tasks change as we mature, and life changes.  For example, my laundry duties changed when I decided my boys were old enough to do their own laundry.  Now, I don’t do laundry but once every couple of weeks, because I’m only doing my own.

Another thing I often hear women say (and I’ve been guilty of saying it myself), “I spend so much time doing things for ________ (husband, kids, family, church….) I don’t have time for myself!”  Often, the woman saying this appears run-down, frumpy, grouchy and she often finds herself physically unwell. 

When this was happening to me, a few important women in my life had to keep reminding me that if I didn’t take care of myself, I wasn’t properly taking care of my family; if I didn’t take time out for myself, I would be no good to anyone else.  It’s a lie to think that we have to continually put our needs last in order to be a good wife/mother/ woman.  We can’t and don’t respect others when we forget to respect ourselves.  Furthermore, how can we expect others to respect us, when we don’t? 

I am so grateful for the women in my life who frequently step in and kindly put me in my place.  In tribute to them, I am paying it forward and passing on their wisdom. 

Some of those women I will be seeing tonight at a small group discussing this exact topic.  If you are in the Walnut, CA area and would like to join us, email me at dailytlc@gmail.com and I will happily give you the details.

-Tessa L. Charles

Is It Possible?

I wonder if it’s possible to hold people accountable for their actions without vilifying them; to see their worth as a human and somehow calling it out as opposed to calling them sub-human and throwing them away because it’s easier.  Is it possible to have compassion and mercy for someone who has hurt us by their unspeakable acts, not by excusing what they’ve done, but by knowing who we are and what we stand for?

I wonder how best to honor those who have suffered or died.  Is it by making the person/s responsible suffer by exacting revenge in the guise of "justice"; or is it by making sure that we as individuals never again ignore someone who is lonely or different or apathetic?

I wonder if we as citizens can influence the media to be more objective and focus on the positive instead of sensationalizing the negative; to choose not to watch reality shows of those who perpetuate entitlement and crassness.

I wonder if we can learn to appreciate the intention of our Founding Fathers by uplifting the office of president rather than tearing it down and making the one person voted in the scapegoat of all that is wrong.  I wonder if we are better than that. 

I wonder……………..

-Tessa L. Charles

The Favorite

Recently I finished reading a book called, Mary, Queen of France: The Story of the Youngest Sister of Henry VIII (A Novel of the Tudors), by Jean Plaidy.  Now, I don’t know much about the Tudors (someday I am going to HAVE to check out the cable series!), and I’m not that interested in British political history, but this book was mainly about the relationship between Henry VIII and Mary who it seemed was his favorite, and with whom he probably had the kindest relationship, in fact, he quite pampered her.  In return, Mary adored her brother and it seemed she was the only one who could cajole him out of a foul mood by batting her lashes and talking to him adoringly.  Soon after Henry had become king, she did something that was absolutely against his command, but because she was favored, she was able to placate her way out of a prison sentence.

Have you ever been someone’s “favorite”, the apple of one’s eyes, even for just a short amount of time? How glorious being able to walk and talk in the certainty that whatever you do is “adorable”!  How easy it is to return the love and freely give adoration back to the one who favors us, right?

Once when my boys were younger, I asked them separately who they thought was my favorite.  Each boy answered exactly the same: “Me.  No….my brother……no…..I don’t know.”  They both were right.  That son was my favorite…..and so was his brother…..and yeah, I don’t know how that happens. 

When someone is your “favorite” he/she is set apart; regarded with special favor or preference, and indulged.  In my opinion, it is possible for each son to be my favorite.  Each one is set apart from the other, they are definitely not the same.  Each one is regarded with special favor.  One likes to be doused with physical affection, the other so does NOT and prefers verbal praise, so I indulge them accordingly. 

Don’t get me wrong, there have been, and still are, some days when one of them seems to “fall” out of favor with me (you know those times!).  But I don’t think you always have to like your favorite’s behavior for him/her to remain in your favor.   And honestly, if the “favorite” remembered that he was such, he wouldn’t intentionally do something to break that relationship.  He also wouldn’t feel obliged to act a certain way to earn favor, he would act favorably because he already knows he’s got favor.  Sometimes it’s just a matter of remembering to walk in the favor.

From now on, realize that you walk in that favor.  Act like you are the favorite, because you are some one’s favorite, I guarantee it.    Walk with your head up high and receive the indulgence, and it will come to you. Exist as though adored because you are. 

And then please do me a favor, and, pass it on.  Thanks.

-Tessa L. Charles

More Beautiful Than You Think

I viewed this video clip a few days ago on Face Book and it really epitomizes what I have experienced having worked in a women’s fitness facility as well as part of the reason I started this blog.  It is about an interesting project a forensic artist did to demonstrate how women view themselves.  I implore you to watch it now: http://www.wimp.com/forensicartist/

I think this video speaks for itself and so I will leave us this weekend without much commentary, trusting that what it says speaks to your spirit as it has mine.

I will say this:  I look forward to a day when the way that we describe ourselves is more beautiful on the “left” side than it is on the “right”.  I look forward to the day when someone compliments us and we can  simply smile and say, “thank you”.  I look forward to the day when we can look in a full view, 3-way mirror and not cringe; to a day when it becomes less lucrative for a medical student to become a plastic surgeon; a day when we can know that beauty is not just about the way we look.  And I look forward to the day when we understand the depth and power of our beauty and as a result can infuse it into the world around us.

This will happen, I can see the day coming; can you?  Have a great weekend looking at yourself and everyone else with your new beautiful eyes and their new beautiful outlook.   You are more beautiful than you think and…… you’re welcome.

-Tessa L. Charles

The Good Always Wins

On Monday we all saw the tragic events that took place in Boston.  While watching the news footage, I began to notice something; the focus of the news had become about the heroism of all the people around the scene and of the speed and efficiency of all the hospitals near the marathon and less to do with the negativity of the circumstance.  Perhaps that is because they didn’t know who to blame for the bombs, but I don’t really care what the reason is, I’m just in awe of humanity!

Just a week before the bombing, I posted a blog called, “Between A Rock And A Hard Place”, and the main message was that the good always wins out, ALWAYS.  While watching the footage of when the first bomb exploded one commentator mentioned that he could recognize who the regular citizens were versus the trained military and law enforcement because the trained personnel were running away from the site of the first explosion while the citizens would run to the site.  He explained why it is the instinct of “regular” people to run to the site of the explosion, and you want to know what it is? Because it is our natural instinct to help those in need.  Isn’t that amazing?!  Unless trained, it is instinctive for us to put ourselves in a place of danger to help another human being.  It is the highest form of humanity, maybe even a super form of humanity, to lay down our lives for another. 

As I was listening to the commentators praising each heroic effort and deed of the good citizens of Boston, I found myself responding to each account out loud (and yeah, I talk to the TV like it can hear me!), “Because the good ALWAYS wins out! The GOOD ALWAYS WINS OUT!!!!!”  It made me so proud of the people of Boston; so proud to be an American; so proud to be human!

And so as the events continue to unfold, and the media attempts to shift the attention to “whodunit” and why, and when the impending character dissection ensues, please never forget the impact of the “ordinary citizens” of Boston who demonstrated that the good......say it with me....always wins out. 

-Tessa L. Charles

Phoebe's Dilemma

Like many people, I just loved the TV show “Friends”.  I watched each week on Thursday night, when there was such a thing as “Must See TV”, and I have watched the reruns from time to time in syndication since.  I even went to a taping of one episode (it was the episode where Monica and Chandler were getting a photo for their engagement announcement).  There is one particular episode that I’m always reminded of whenever the topic of selfless deeds comes up in conversation.  I’ve included it here:

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzQSEoNdGvk

So the question is, is there truly a selfless act?  Selfless is defined as being concerned with the wishes and needs of others rather than with one’s own.  So yes, there are selfless acts so long as one is primarily concerned for the needs of others without seeking one’s own needs or wishes first, which to me implies that if we end up deriving pleasure or happiness from the result of meeting another’s needs that’s okay. 

Perhaps a better question is:  Does it really matter if an act is selfless or not?  Notwithstanding those situations where a person in the position to help takes advantage of the person in need, and vice versa, what I’m asking is this:  If I put myself in the shoes of the person who needs help, and then receives it from someone else, in the moment, do I really care if they’re doing it for a selfless or selfish reason?  Probably not.  If I put myself in the shoes of the person in the position to help, before I carry out the act should I pause and ask myself if I’m doing the act for selfless or selfish reasons?  And then if I discover I do have a selfish agenda, shall I then not help out?  Probably not.  If I put myself in the shoes of people indirectly involved with the situation, what good does it do to judge the person who is helping out the person in need?  Probably not much. 

So here’s an interesting question: When I see a person on the street asking for a handout of money, do I give?  There are a myriad of reasons not to, and I have always wondered if it was in the best interest of the person to give them money or not, but for now, after much thought, I’ve come to a decision for myself.  If I have the means at the moment, I will give.  It’s not up to me to figure out by the appearance of the person if they’re truly in need or not.  I will give, selfless act or not.  The way I see it, I’m blessed and I’m grateful for what I have, I want to live accordingly.  I have a feeling “Phoebe” might agree.

I welcome your thoughts, leave a comment if you choose to share.

-Tessa L. Charles

I Can Do Anything

This week I have focused on how the good always wins and that failure is always an option because failure is only temporary until it becomes a success.  For this weekend, I wanted to leave everybody with a YouTube video that I have seen about a dozen times, however, I never tire of it because it always reminds me how to be grateful and positive in the face of perceived circumstance and failure.  I have posted it here and I encourage you to watch it now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg

I love how this is entitled: Jessica’s Daily Affirmation because apparently she said this on a daily basis. I love how she looks in the mirror and tells herself this before she even dressed.  I admire her unrelenting optimism.  She loves everything!  She can do anything! What a contagious attitude!

You know what I’m going to suggest next, don’t you?  This weekend, make up your own affirmation and say it to yourself in the mirror.  Write it down if you must and memorize it.  Say it every morning.  Say it every time you run into opposition.  Say it every time you perceive failure.  Say it every time you’re having a “bad” moment/day/week.  Say it and believe it.  Say it because you CAN do anything!

-Tessa L. Charles

Failure Killed

A few years ago I heard a teaching by a very good friend of mine in which he used 5 words that rocked my somewhat perfectionist world.  He said, “Failure is always an option”, he followed up with, “because we always learn from failure”.

Failure is always an option? Really?  I’ve always heard coaches or officers barking in those sports or military related movies, “Failure is NEVER an option!!” I have to admit, I don’t like to fail, never have.  But the fear of failure has at times blocked my willingness to do something new or stopped me from persevering when success was just “around the corner”. 

I have mentioned that I’m not a math wizard.  I’m not stupid; it’s just that in a classroom setting, math concepts take an extra long time for me to grasp and usually by the time I do grasp a concept, the class has already moved on ahead 3 more concepts!  I have spent a long time avoiding and fearing math and have dropped out of several classes when it has gotten too difficult.

Recently, I have gone back to school and I had to face my old nemesis….math.  This time around, I made sure I was not too proud to ask questions in class, asked for extra help from teachers and students, some, MUCH younger than myself, went to every lecture, spent countless hours doing every homework problem, and worked at getting every single extra credit point I could.  I’d like to say I passed with flying colors; I didn’t.  I passed, sure, but it wasn’t pretty!  I’d like to say it was easier than I thought it would be; it wasn’t, it has been a most difficult journey.  I’d like to say I didn’t “fail”; I did!  I actually failed one of the classes!  Yup!  Spent a whole semester’s tuition including parking pass not to mention all the time I spent on campus and on homework etc., and I failed!  You know what?  I didn’t die.  I remembered what my friend had said and purposed myself to take the class again….and then I passed.  And now, finally,  my math classes are behind me – whew! 

Here’s the point: failure is only temporary until it becomes a success.  I just know that there are things that you’ve failed and are afraid of trying again (or for the first time).  But today, I break the chains of the fear of failure and set you free with the knowledge that failure is always an option.  You WILL persevere until that failure becomes a success and nothing can ever take that away from you. 

-Tessa L. Charles

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

This past weekend I went on a hike to Sturtevant Falls with my friends and their family.  After reaching the falls I took a few moments by myself to just breathe in the scenery.  Awestruck by the beauty and peace I was amazed to see the greenery of plants and the surprising blooms of flowers growing in between the crags of the sheer rock walls of the falls.   I wondered how life could sprout from such harsh and hardened conditions and with such sparse space.  It was breathtaking.

In those few moments, I was reminded that despite the harshness of life that we witness each night in the media or in the “dog eat dog” corporate world, good people and acts of kindness do still prevail.  Despite the hard conditions of peoples’ hearts, and perhaps our past experiences, there is still beauty begging to be noticed.  Despite the sparse space there is still the opportunity to cultivate honor, respect and purity. 

Don’t buy into the lie that “it's the end of the world” or that “things will never change”.  We each have a responsibility to look for and cultivate the good.  Things can change and will change, it’s just how much are each of us going to participate in that change, when are we going to start, and how long will we persevere?  We probably will face some disappointment and discouragement, but that’s not a reason to let those things defeat us, because the good ALWAYS wins out; the good is ALWAYS undefeatable.  ALWAYS!!  It’s time to stop letting the bad just happen, and throw up our hands; it’s time to take back this world and let the good reign.  It’s time.

I welcome your ideas on how we can do this together.  Please share your valuable experience in the comments below.

-Tessa Charles

Legacy

After getting his braces taken off a few days ago, my youngest son made me laugh when he said that he had wished he had told his orthodontist to leave “the tooth” a little crooked.  You see, on one side of my family there is a trait we all have in common; one bottom tooth in the same spot that is crooked; we call it, “the tooth”.  I guess he was saying that he was sorry to have lost that part that signified his “belonging”.

We all carry within us our familial traits; some good; some, not so much.  Some traits are genetic (like “the tooth”) and some are behaviorally or culturally inherited.  Some, we want to carry on, but today, I’d like to address those traits we don’t want to keep or pass on to the next generations. 

Genetic traits, usually having to do with our looks or health are not easy to change.  With the accessibility of braces, plastic surgery and exercise, we can change a few things, but it’s a little more difficult when it comes to diseases or disorders.  However, by choosing to educate ourselves, live a healthier lifestyle and getting regular check-ups, the effects to some diseases or disorders can be lessened if not altogether avoided.

What makes behavioral and cultural traits difficult to change is first recognizing what the traits are and secondly, deciding to change.  Sometimes we are comfortable and don’t want to take necessary steps to do so or we feel like we would be letting go of some of our identity if we did.  Sometimes we feel pressure from our family members who don’t see the value of our decision and who don’t want to or know how to change.  Even after deciding to change despite the pressure, it still takes some education, accountability and diligence to not fall back onto a familiar path.

However, there’s nothing that forces us have to continue on with a negative or destructive “inheritance”.  Who says we cannot write ourselves and our future generations a new legacy?  Let’s decide to keep the good that our ancestors left us, but change the other that does not make our lineage better.  Forgive the past, let it go and then forge toward the future.  Let’s vow to leave a good legacy, by passing down a heritage of betterment. 

Braces not required.

-Tessa L. Charles

Rest is a Weapon

My younger son and I have spent over a week suffering with upper respiratory cold symptoms.  I have read many postings on Face Book that people have been sick lately, many “wasting” their spring break recovering.  We know that often times, when we are sick, it is because our bodies have been overtaxed, our immune systems depleted and what our body’s are needing is rest.  This is what we have been doing in my house; resting (well, coughing….and resting).

Rest gives my body and mind a day or two “off” to recover from the stresses and duties of this life.  Rest gives me a chance to just be without having to do.  It gives my body a chance to replete itself to rebuild its defenses.  Often, I see rest as my body’s way of taking some time to reload the ammunition I’ve used up in life.  In this way, I’m able to be strengthened to continue to fulfill my destiny, which is to say, “fight” for the place that is mine in this world. So I really like the thought that rest is a weapon.

Someday, I’m going to learn the secret of living in perpetual rest.  I don’t mean that I will stop the “fight”, but that I will learn how to find the balance of simultaneous fighting and resting; in that way I will never run out of ammunition!  Hmm….nice thought.

In the meantime, if you’re recovering from symptoms of illness, or if you just need a “breather” from the day to day, take the time to rest and replenish yourself; load up and carry on.  There are “lands” to be conquered, rewards to be had and legacies to leave!  Go get ‘em!

-Tessa L. Charles

And That's The Truth

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter weekend.  Easter is one of my favorite holidays because it happens at a wonderful time of year, spring, when things are new again.  My irises, that remind me of the friend who gave them to me from her own garden, pop out their beautiful colors.  The fig “sticks” that my Mom gave me 3 years ago are little trees that are now taller than me.

I’ve heard it said, “History repeats itself” and “Past behavior will predict future behavior” and I believe that those sayings exist because they seem to have been proven true.  However, lately, I have come to believe that we don’t necessarily have to accept those sayings as truth. The difference between what is true and what is truth is this: What is true is what we can see and prove at the moment.  What is the truth, however, is often something that we don’t see but what we know is destined.

What was true at the moment of implantation of my iris bulbs was that they were just ugly brown, wrinkly things, but I knew the truth was that they were destined to be beautiful iris plants and flowers which is why I planted them with appropriate space in between.  When I planted the fig trees what was true was that they were literally just STICKS, but the truth was that they had potential to be huge, fruit bearing trees. 

So, as you can see, history doesn’t necessarily have to “repeat” itself.  The iris bulbs didn’t just grow into more bulbs, the sticks didn’t just perpetuate sticks, they became what they were destined to be, their states changed. 

Like those plants, what has happened in our past, what we look like now, is NOT the truth of who we are; it just may be what is true right now.  Taken one step further, what we see that is true about another person now, today, isn’t necessarily the truth of who they are.  The challenge is, to give each of us some time and space to become who we were meant to be and to see each other with eyes that can see the potential and destiny within us all.  You’re all awesome, and that’s the truth!

-Tessa L. Charles