The other day my husband and I accompanied my mother-in-law to the hospital. As we were leaving we decided to go through the revolving door. Each section of this door can only fit one, maybe 2 people, so we went one at a time. The door is manual so it only went as fast as you pushed it and started and stopped on your command. So my mother-in-law started to go through, but instead of stopping to exit, the door kept going around; she went around maybe 3 or 4 times before she exited. Every time she would pass the opening to get out, she would look at us and say, "e perche?!" (Eh, why?!?). We kept having to explain to her that she has to stop, and that the door is moving because she's the one moving it. We couldn't help but laugh a little as she kept going round and round, but she eventually stopped and was able to free herself from the revolving door.
Later as I was giggling to myself, re-living the moment, I thought how sometimes we live our lives inside a revolving door. We are the ones who control how fast or slow our lives go. Even though it doesn't seem like we're in control, we can be the ones to take a step back and go at a slower pace, not getting overwhelmed by the life passing before us, but instead, enjoying it; or we can be the ones to take that next step to advance ourselves to the place we want to be. And even if we don't reach our goal when we want to, at least we're taking the necessary steps to get there, still going at our pace. We're the ones to stop our door and take our moments of freedom and cease opportunities, instead of letting openings for opportunity and freedom pass us by. I know sometimes we don't realize all the little things that can free us from spinning round and round, that may be because we are confining ourselves in the every day tasks of life; we don't see all the opportunities we have available to us because we are too busy moving our feet, and sometimes we just can't stop.
I know for me, sometimes I can get overwhelmed in the life I'm living now, I don't even know that I'm overwhelmed. But the moment I realize that maybe there's too much on my plate, I stop and take the time to enjoy each moment, each conversation, each breath of fresh air, each time I can cook just for fun, etc. Especially being here in Tuscany, the atmosphere is so relaxing and warm, I can take a step out of my revolving door, and take the time to really enjoy my new marriage, having fun and learning more about each other. I've been making time to go for walks, read a book, write a new post, meet new people, learn the culture more, etc.
Those times that you start to feel overwhelmed or realize that your life is just going around and around and around, really take some time to enjoy that life; try not to see your day as a list of tasks you need to get done, take time to play and have fun with your kids, make plans to spend time with family and/or friends, just because; go for a swim, spend an hour at the beach, actually read the newspaper or a magazine, relax and watch a movie, take a nap, slow cook a meal because you want to, take up that hobby that you've been thinking of, anything that can give you back control of your own revolving door.
Enjoy Every Day!
-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
My Day In Court
Last week I had to go to traffic court to plead, “No Contest” to a ticket I got last summer. It was my first experience in traffic court and I was unprepared for what I was to learn that day.
I witnessed obviously angry people being disrespectful towards the judge by their demeanor, tone, language, attitude or even dress in the courtroom. I learned that whether one deserves a ticket or not, being disrespectful towards the system and the person administering it makes that person appear guilty and disdainful.
I witnessed people who had several counts against them expecting the judge to drop one or more counts just because in between the interim of them getting caught and the day of appearance they had made moves to rectify their infractions. If the judge did not drop a count due to insufficient proof, they became indignant. I learned that entitlement makes one look extremely foolish.
I witnessed people obviously lying. I learned that lying is obvious.
I also witnessed people who despite their anger or frustration, still admitting their mistake, and respectfully addressing the judge; submitting to the system despite its flaws. And people who despite their good cause for their infraction, refusing to take up any more of the court’s time and paying their fine instead. I saw people who had been taught and had learned decorum and appropriateness and I learned that those people appear above all else, dignified.
Although I plan never again to find myself in traffic court, I initially thought that having to go was going to be a waste of time. I found that there was a lot to be learned. I found it ironic that I became grateful for the experience. I found that the act of submitting is not necessarily admitting guilt, but being respectful to a system for what that system represents. I found that dignity is a characteristic that’s worth being truthful, transparent and vulnerable for. I learned.
-Tessa L. Charles
I witnessed obviously angry people being disrespectful towards the judge by their demeanor, tone, language, attitude or even dress in the courtroom. I learned that whether one deserves a ticket or not, being disrespectful towards the system and the person administering it makes that person appear guilty and disdainful.
I witnessed people who had several counts against them expecting the judge to drop one or more counts just because in between the interim of them getting caught and the day of appearance they had made moves to rectify their infractions. If the judge did not drop a count due to insufficient proof, they became indignant. I learned that entitlement makes one look extremely foolish.
I witnessed people obviously lying. I learned that lying is obvious.
I also witnessed people who despite their anger or frustration, still admitting their mistake, and respectfully addressing the judge; submitting to the system despite its flaws. And people who despite their good cause for their infraction, refusing to take up any more of the court’s time and paying their fine instead. I saw people who had been taught and had learned decorum and appropriateness and I learned that those people appear above all else, dignified.
Although I plan never again to find myself in traffic court, I initially thought that having to go was going to be a waste of time. I found that there was a lot to be learned. I found it ironic that I became grateful for the experience. I found that the act of submitting is not necessarily admitting guilt, but being respectful to a system for what that system represents. I found that dignity is a characteristic that’s worth being truthful, transparent and vulnerable for. I learned.
-Tessa L. Charles
Thursday, July 18, 2013
The $5 Jar
I know that these days money can be tight, some people may be struggling to find jobs, even odd jobs here and there. A lot of us have families, school loans, mortgages, cars, gas expenses, credit card bills, etc. Well, I have a lot of those too, but I have also been extremely fortunate throughout the years to sustain employment and create growing relationships with my employers. But at the same time, I was one of those ladies who loved to shop, great deal or not. I also didn't mind spending an extra $5-$10 for a better cut of steak at a restaurant, or the good quality groceries as opposed to the generic brands. Then as the years went by, bills started racking up, school payments started coming in, I then realized that maaaaybe I have to tweak some things in my budget.
Granted, to this day I still like to spoil myself every once in a while, because I do believe we all should sometimes, we deserve it! But I've found ways to be able to do this, guilt free, while still keeping money in the bank! Here's my experience with the $5 jar, which is one of the ways that worked for me. One of my friends introduced this to me about a year ago, I tried it and the result was great! The concept to the $5 jar is, every time you use cash and get a $5 bill in your possession, save it and put it in the jar. This may feel bittersweet sometimes, especially when you use a $20 bill and you get three $5 bills back as change, you're going to want to use it, but trust me, the end result will be that much sweeter if you put it in the jar. Set a goal of how many months you want to do it or a date when you want to open it. For me, I don't carry a lot of cash, so some weeks the jar got nothing, some weeks the jar got plenty. I would say that I did it for about 5-6 months. When I started, I sealed the jar so that I couldn't open it, or even count how much I had saved up. My goal was to save for spending money on my trip here to Italy. So maybe about 2 weeks before I left, on my birthday, I opened up the jar, and I had nearly $300 that I had saved up in $5 bills those past few months!! It may not be thaaat much, but to have an extra $300 to spend on ANYTHING I wanted is always great!!
When I was single and living back home, I would eat out nearly every day and sometimes even more than 1 meal a day if I bought lunch for work. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE cooking and having home cooked meals, eating out was just convenient and after working all day, then maybe running errands or shopping, I just wanted to sit at a restaurant, enjoy company and eat. Now being one part of a married couple, my husband and I are learning how to stay within budget together. He, of course, is a lot better than me in saving and staying within budget. Living here has been like a dream vacation so far, but that's thanks to my husband who works extremely hard providing for me and his mom. During the week we usually stay local and have most of our meals at home, doing some simple grocery shopping and cooking just enough. Which is great because I get to learn and try new recipes and plus it's healthier cooking for yourself, choosing all your ingredients and portions. Doing things this way gives us the opportunity to save for the weekend, where we can then tour around other cities, go to the tourist spots, eat at restaurants, have some gelato, shop for wants, etc. And now it's even more exciting waiting for the weekends to come, and being able to splurge just a little, even when money is tight at times. This way, even though we spend a little more during the weekend, it doesn't seem so bad because we saved for it.
By no means am I suggesting to be a penny pincher or cut back on things that you want necessarily...we all need to splurge and be happy, but maybe try some things that can save you a few dollars here and there during week, and those days you decide to open that jar, you'll have all that extra cash to live in luxury without going into the hole!! Enjoy life and live responsibly!!
-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini
Granted, to this day I still like to spoil myself every once in a while, because I do believe we all should sometimes, we deserve it! But I've found ways to be able to do this, guilt free, while still keeping money in the bank! Here's my experience with the $5 jar, which is one of the ways that worked for me. One of my friends introduced this to me about a year ago, I tried it and the result was great! The concept to the $5 jar is, every time you use cash and get a $5 bill in your possession, save it and put it in the jar. This may feel bittersweet sometimes, especially when you use a $20 bill and you get three $5 bills back as change, you're going to want to use it, but trust me, the end result will be that much sweeter if you put it in the jar. Set a goal of how many months you want to do it or a date when you want to open it. For me, I don't carry a lot of cash, so some weeks the jar got nothing, some weeks the jar got plenty. I would say that I did it for about 5-6 months. When I started, I sealed the jar so that I couldn't open it, or even count how much I had saved up. My goal was to save for spending money on my trip here to Italy. So maybe about 2 weeks before I left, on my birthday, I opened up the jar, and I had nearly $300 that I had saved up in $5 bills those past few months!! It may not be thaaat much, but to have an extra $300 to spend on ANYTHING I wanted is always great!!
When I was single and living back home, I would eat out nearly every day and sometimes even more than 1 meal a day if I bought lunch for work. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE cooking and having home cooked meals, eating out was just convenient and after working all day, then maybe running errands or shopping, I just wanted to sit at a restaurant, enjoy company and eat. Now being one part of a married couple, my husband and I are learning how to stay within budget together. He, of course, is a lot better than me in saving and staying within budget. Living here has been like a dream vacation so far, but that's thanks to my husband who works extremely hard providing for me and his mom. During the week we usually stay local and have most of our meals at home, doing some simple grocery shopping and cooking just enough. Which is great because I get to learn and try new recipes and plus it's healthier cooking for yourself, choosing all your ingredients and portions. Doing things this way gives us the opportunity to save for the weekend, where we can then tour around other cities, go to the tourist spots, eat at restaurants, have some gelato, shop for wants, etc. And now it's even more exciting waiting for the weekends to come, and being able to splurge just a little, even when money is tight at times. This way, even though we spend a little more during the weekend, it doesn't seem so bad because we saved for it.
By no means am I suggesting to be a penny pincher or cut back on things that you want necessarily...we all need to splurge and be happy, but maybe try some things that can save you a few dollars here and there during week, and those days you decide to open that jar, you'll have all that extra cash to live in luxury without going into the hole!! Enjoy life and live responsibly!!
-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
You're a Superstar
There are times in our lives where we spend some time in the “background”. We are there to support someone (a relative, friend, boss, team member, co-worker etc.), to stand up for someone (a bride/groom), to learn from someone (as an apprentice, student).
Some people don’t care to be the center of attention at all and prefer to always stay in the background. Some people look for supportive roles for employment (janitors, sound engineers, managers, back-up singers, producers, back office personnel etc.) but may be the “stars” in other arenas of their lives.
Sometimes very little credit is given to those in the background, and granted, people who usually don’t like the “limelight” don’t necessarily want grand accolades, but EVERYONE wants to be recognized and validated in one way or another.
Today, I challenge each of us to honor the people who make our lives easier in one way or another and show some gratitude where gratitude is warranted. Please say a kind, gracious thank-you to them or reward them with a token of your appreciation.
Lastly, even if you’re one of those people who like to remain in the “background” socially, please realize that you were not made to live in the background of your own life. Simply put, be the star of your own show. You are the only one who can be the best at what you do. You are special and what you bring to this life cannot be replicated and should never be held back or stifled. Your unique ability to support and encourage others may often be overlooked, but is never-the-less necessary and appreciated.
Thank you.
-Tessa L. Charles
Some people don’t care to be the center of attention at all and prefer to always stay in the background. Some people look for supportive roles for employment (janitors, sound engineers, managers, back-up singers, producers, back office personnel etc.) but may be the “stars” in other arenas of their lives.
Sometimes very little credit is given to those in the background, and granted, people who usually don’t like the “limelight” don’t necessarily want grand accolades, but EVERYONE wants to be recognized and validated in one way or another.
Today, I challenge each of us to honor the people who make our lives easier in one way or another and show some gratitude where gratitude is warranted. Please say a kind, gracious thank-you to them or reward them with a token of your appreciation.
Lastly, even if you’re one of those people who like to remain in the “background” socially, please realize that you were not made to live in the background of your own life. Simply put, be the star of your own show. You are the only one who can be the best at what you do. You are special and what you bring to this life cannot be replicated and should never be held back or stifled. Your unique ability to support and encourage others may often be overlooked, but is never-the-less necessary and appreciated.
Thank you.
-Tessa L. Charles
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Butterfly Effect
Now, I'm not talking about the movie with Ashton Kutcher, although it is a good movie, and basically based around this concept of the Butterfly Effect. This Chaos Theory called Butterfly Effect always interested me. The name of the effect, coined by Edward Lorenz, is derived from the theoretical example of a hurricane's formation being contingent on whether or not a distant butterfly had flapped it's wings several weeks earlier. To think, theoretically, a small little action, like a butterfly flapping it's wings, can effect the waves of an ocean and can make such a huge impact. It makes me think of all of our actions, big or small and the endless possible outcomes.
Can our actions, even the small ones, save a life? Can one step shape our future? Can the words we use impact the children of tomorrow? Can our everyday decisions bring smiles and hope to the hopeless, change a nation, for good or for bad, bring peace to someone who is struggling, or turn our dreams into reality? To all these things, I say, absolutely!
Now, maybe we don't have to walk on egg shells to make sure we live a perfect life, because that would be impossible; but we can be aware of the words we use and the actions we make around our family and our peers, and especially around children, who look up to us and are influenced by our every move. Even little things like greeting someone in a store, opening a door for a stranger, helping a random person carry their groceries, returning a wallet that you found, smiling at a homeless person instead of looking away, playing with our kids outside; just like the theory, all these extremely little causes can potentially create a greatly huge effect. That one action you made may have given someone hope to continue living or give them inspiration to live in grace and consideration.
Being able to give someone hope, show grace and consideration, has to be one of the best feelings. Think of how much brighter our world would be, let alone our individual lives, if more people had a "pay it forward" mentality. I was watching videos on YouTube about this one radio station that would go around drive-thrus and pay for the car behind them. It was so inspiring to see the reaction of the people receiving the free meal or coffee, it made them want to do the same thing, thus starting a chain reaction of great gestures.
These little words, actions and decisions don't always have to be selfless. The classes that we decide to take, the decisions to go or not go to college, that day we decided not to do drugs with our friends, the first step in applying for a job (even though it may not be your dream job), that scary moment that you decided to start your own business, make an investment, get married, have kids, take a break, retire, etc. can mean our entire future and the rest of our lives. When we come to points in our lives where we have to make decisions that can possibly change and/or help shape our future, I feel that if we follow our hearts and reflect on the options we have available to us, we can't go wrong...even if our decisions lead us into a learning curve. That learning curve can teach us about ourselves and give us insight as to where we want to go next.
Be brave and make your words and your actions count.
Here is the YouTube video I was talking about as well as another "Pay It Forward Random Acts of Kindness" video. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yI3eHVwo-Ho
Can our actions, even the small ones, save a life? Can one step shape our future? Can the words we use impact the children of tomorrow? Can our everyday decisions bring smiles and hope to the hopeless, change a nation, for good or for bad, bring peace to someone who is struggling, or turn our dreams into reality? To all these things, I say, absolutely!
Now, maybe we don't have to walk on egg shells to make sure we live a perfect life, because that would be impossible; but we can be aware of the words we use and the actions we make around our family and our peers, and especially around children, who look up to us and are influenced by our every move. Even little things like greeting someone in a store, opening a door for a stranger, helping a random person carry their groceries, returning a wallet that you found, smiling at a homeless person instead of looking away, playing with our kids outside; just like the theory, all these extremely little causes can potentially create a greatly huge effect. That one action you made may have given someone hope to continue living or give them inspiration to live in grace and consideration.
Being able to give someone hope, show grace and consideration, has to be one of the best feelings. Think of how much brighter our world would be, let alone our individual lives, if more people had a "pay it forward" mentality. I was watching videos on YouTube about this one radio station that would go around drive-thrus and pay for the car behind them. It was so inspiring to see the reaction of the people receiving the free meal or coffee, it made them want to do the same thing, thus starting a chain reaction of great gestures.
These little words, actions and decisions don't always have to be selfless. The classes that we decide to take, the decisions to go or not go to college, that day we decided not to do drugs with our friends, the first step in applying for a job (even though it may not be your dream job), that scary moment that you decided to start your own business, make an investment, get married, have kids, take a break, retire, etc. can mean our entire future and the rest of our lives. When we come to points in our lives where we have to make decisions that can possibly change and/or help shape our future, I feel that if we follow our hearts and reflect on the options we have available to us, we can't go wrong...even if our decisions lead us into a learning curve. That learning curve can teach us about ourselves and give us insight as to where we want to go next.
Be brave and make your words and your actions count.
Here is the YouTube video I was talking about as well as another "Pay It Forward Random Acts of Kindness" video. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yI3eHVwo-Ho
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
The Constant Gardener
As teenagers (when our whole world revolves around……ourselves!) we are often very concerned with what others think about us. Thankfully, that is just a stage (it’s actually a necessary stage) and we (hopefully) mature, learning that we belong to a community and we want to become actualized so that we can be beneficial to the communal “us”.
When we get stuck in the realm of caring about “what others think about us”, we’re actually lying to ourselves by placing the blame on others because the real issue is deeper. Projecting what “others might think about us” usually means that we also have a judgmental spirit towards others, which really stems out of a judgmental spirit towards ourselves. Let me tell a story to demonstrate my point:
A couple of years ago, my family arrived at a beach house to spend some time with some friends. One of the teen girls came up to the house from the beach and spent about an hour with us and then when everyone decided to go to the beach she wanted us to wait for her because she was going to change her bathing suit. When I asked her why, she said she didn’t want the people at the beach to think she only had one bathing suit. Thinking this was ridiculous, I asked her, “Do you really think that even if someone remembered you from the beach this morning and saw you in the same bathing suit, they’d think it was your only bathing suit? And even if they did, so what, do you really care that much about what people think about you?” She shrugged and feebly answered, “Well…” I countered, “Is that what you would think about a person who came back to the beach with the same bathing suit on?” “Yeah!” she said without hesitation. “Aha!” I said, “So what you’re really saying is that’s what you would think, and not necessarily what anyone else is thinking, right?” “Well, I guess so” she admitted. “So,” I pointed out, “wouldn’t that [type of judgmental thought] be on you (your issue)?” Her rebuttal was to go to the other room to change her bathing suit!
The basic root I want to bring to light is once again, a self-worth issue. If we look at the issue as a plant, we can see the root as being self-loathing manifesting as critical, acerbic thoughts and words about ourselves. To make ourselves feel better, we might use those same thoughts and words to put others down (the stem). Carried another step further, because we are thinking those thoughts about others, now we can just imagine what they’re thinking/saying about us (the leaf). The eventual “fruit” is doing all kinds of crazy things to “appease” others to keep them from thinking those imagined thoughts, to make ourselves feel better, to make us feel worthy – and THAT’S THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL – because it NEVER makes us feel worthy and so the cycle repeats!!
Now, I know none of the readers of this blog do this, but I admittedly have “grown” this bitter “plant” from time to time and it takes some quiet time and re-reading the words of life spoken over me to remind me of my true identity as a beautiful, worthy, honoring woman to pluck out that plant before it becomes a full-blown garden.
Also, I now can recognize that when another person is critical, it’s probably because they are really hurting from self worth issues; now I get the opportunity to speak into them the words of life that they’re starving for. I’ve planted a different plant; one that produces a different, better fruit. I’ve become the constant gardener for the betterment for the communal “us”.
You can do this, and the truth is you probably already do. Yeah, I’m blooming, you’re blooming, let’s get this garden planted!
-Tessa L. Charles
When we get stuck in the realm of caring about “what others think about us”, we’re actually lying to ourselves by placing the blame on others because the real issue is deeper. Projecting what “others might think about us” usually means that we also have a judgmental spirit towards others, which really stems out of a judgmental spirit towards ourselves. Let me tell a story to demonstrate my point:
A couple of years ago, my family arrived at a beach house to spend some time with some friends. One of the teen girls came up to the house from the beach and spent about an hour with us and then when everyone decided to go to the beach she wanted us to wait for her because she was going to change her bathing suit. When I asked her why, she said she didn’t want the people at the beach to think she only had one bathing suit. Thinking this was ridiculous, I asked her, “Do you really think that even if someone remembered you from the beach this morning and saw you in the same bathing suit, they’d think it was your only bathing suit? And even if they did, so what, do you really care that much about what people think about you?” She shrugged and feebly answered, “Well…” I countered, “Is that what you would think about a person who came back to the beach with the same bathing suit on?” “Yeah!” she said without hesitation. “Aha!” I said, “So what you’re really saying is that’s what you would think, and not necessarily what anyone else is thinking, right?” “Well, I guess so” she admitted. “So,” I pointed out, “wouldn’t that [type of judgmental thought] be on you (your issue)?” Her rebuttal was to go to the other room to change her bathing suit!
The basic root I want to bring to light is once again, a self-worth issue. If we look at the issue as a plant, we can see the root as being self-loathing manifesting as critical, acerbic thoughts and words about ourselves. To make ourselves feel better, we might use those same thoughts and words to put others down (the stem). Carried another step further, because we are thinking those thoughts about others, now we can just imagine what they’re thinking/saying about us (the leaf). The eventual “fruit” is doing all kinds of crazy things to “appease” others to keep them from thinking those imagined thoughts, to make ourselves feel better, to make us feel worthy – and THAT’S THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL – because it NEVER makes us feel worthy and so the cycle repeats!!
Now, I know none of the readers of this blog do this, but I admittedly have “grown” this bitter “plant” from time to time and it takes some quiet time and re-reading the words of life spoken over me to remind me of my true identity as a beautiful, worthy, honoring woman to pluck out that plant before it becomes a full-blown garden.
Also, I now can recognize that when another person is critical, it’s probably because they are really hurting from self worth issues; now I get the opportunity to speak into them the words of life that they’re starving for. I’ve planted a different plant; one that produces a different, better fruit. I’ve become the constant gardener for the betterment for the communal “us”.
You can do this, and the truth is you probably already do. Yeah, I’m blooming, you’re blooming, let’s get this garden planted!
-Tessa L. Charles
Friday, July 5, 2013
Happy In(ter)dependence Day!
In the child development classes I took in college (don’t ask which time), I remember studying the developmental stages of human growth and the stage of development for autonomy or independence is usually ages 2-3, which is often signified as the period of one’s life when potty training takes place. If one is successful at normal human development at this point, one learns independence.
My mom has often told of the first day I started kindergarten. She said I barely waited until the car stopped in front of the school before I got out and without even a wave good-bye, headed towards my classroom by myself, eager to start school.
This story would often make me proud of myself because in the 70’s and 80’s, a female was highly praised for being independent. For a woman to proclaim that, “she didn’t need anyone” to live a “happy”, “successful” life was such a caveat. However, I’ve lived my life long enough to have learned, that was a lie.
Humans were created to be relational. It’s why we communicate, have a memory, emote……love. Why else would humans be made with the ability to laugh, smile and cry tears if not to communicate something to someone? I’m not saying that we should all revert to our infanthood and become dependent; being independent is not “wrong”. I’m saying that we each need a modicum of independence to become “interdependent”.
Interdependence allows us to rely on each other, count on each other and work together for the common good of everyone. I think one of the reasons I dislike politics and hate war is because those things end up dividing people and not uniting us.
I also know women are especially good at interdependence because we love to communicate and be relational. Perhaps centuries of oppression have taught us how to present our ideas with some strategic humility to have those ideas easily accepted or perhaps we always had that ability. In any case, I believe a time is coming when we will need to assert our interdependence to teach the world how to work together and take back what belongs to us, this earth! Now that will be an Independence Day to celebrate, won’t it?
-Tessa Charles
My mom has often told of the first day I started kindergarten. She said I barely waited until the car stopped in front of the school before I got out and without even a wave good-bye, headed towards my classroom by myself, eager to start school.
This story would often make me proud of myself because in the 70’s and 80’s, a female was highly praised for being independent. For a woman to proclaim that, “she didn’t need anyone” to live a “happy”, “successful” life was such a caveat. However, I’ve lived my life long enough to have learned, that was a lie.
Humans were created to be relational. It’s why we communicate, have a memory, emote……love. Why else would humans be made with the ability to laugh, smile and cry tears if not to communicate something to someone? I’m not saying that we should all revert to our infanthood and become dependent; being independent is not “wrong”. I’m saying that we each need a modicum of independence to become “interdependent”.
Interdependence allows us to rely on each other, count on each other and work together for the common good of everyone. I think one of the reasons I dislike politics and hate war is because those things end up dividing people and not uniting us.
I also know women are especially good at interdependence because we love to communicate and be relational. Perhaps centuries of oppression have taught us how to present our ideas with some strategic humility to have those ideas easily accepted or perhaps we always had that ability. In any case, I believe a time is coming when we will need to assert our interdependence to teach the world how to work together and take back what belongs to us, this earth! Now that will be an Independence Day to celebrate, won’t it?
-Tessa Charles
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Swallow Your Pride
There is a young local couple that we see every time my husband and I go into town. They're always holding hands, smiling, laughing, and always seem so happy. A few days ago as we sat at our favorite spot to have espresso, I saw the girl just across the way, sitting on a bench, but this time she was alone and she looked very upset. We found out that her and her fiance got into a huge fight and he left for Sicily and she doesn't know when he's coming back. We didn't know the details, but I do know that it didn't start as anything serious, yet turned into something huge because of built up issues (okay, I have to say, it's not that people are super gossipy here, it's just a very small town where everyone knows everyone). As I saw how sad she looked, I thought to myself, how could something that seemed to be going so well, just turn for the worse in an instant? Isn't there something they could have done? Couldn't one of them just have swallowed their pride to work things out?
Growing up, it wasn't so easy for me to swallow my pride, I feel I'm pretty extroverted, so I like to talk things out, buuut I also liked thinking that I was right. Now as an adult, having the kind of open relationship I have with my parents, siblings and close friends, has taught me otherwise. Also, in the past 3 years, I've learned so much about "swallowing your pride" from my husband.
My husband is a very manly man; an outgoing, sports enthusiast who loves working with his hands, but he is also a man that is not afraid to admit when he is wrong and to say sorry. He has literally been down on his knees saying sorry, for even just a small little thing, that I may not even have been upset about. He definitely knows how to express his love in so many ways and in return I do what I can to show how much I appreciate and respect him. When I'm upset or we get into an argument, more often than not, he'll beat me to the punch to resolve things and tell me how much he loves me, and from there, another great conversation is born and we get the chance to understand each other even better. Now, this may have been bourne through years of long distance communication and learning to understand each other through language barriers, but if you have the heart to grow and sustain the relationships around you, it's definitely worth the effort.
There are so many different situations in our lives where we may hold our tongues to avoid confrontation or because we think it doesn't really matter; or times we may speak too soon, not fully understanding, or maybe misinterpreting things for what WE think or hear others saying (this isn't only between couples; this can all be present in relationships between friends, siblings, parents and children, coworkers, family members, etc.). I think that all of these things can and may lead to heated discussions and arguments; which, by the way, isn't necessarily a bad thing, unless it isn't resolved properly.
Why is it so hard for so many people to just swallow their pride if it means our happiness and resolution? Sometimes the start to resolving these kind of situations can be as simple as saying one word, "Sorry." I know that just saying sorry isn't going to solve the problem, but it can be the beginning of a great compromise. For one person to be able to swallow their pride, whether they were wrong or not, can be the first stitch to repairing a small tear.
Swallowing your pride doesn't necessarily mean that you're always the first one to say sorry, especially if you don't mean it, but maybe it means initiating communication for reconciliation. I feel that most things, if not, everything, can be worked out with communication, words of encouragement, insight and intimacy into each other's lives, even if it is just to "agree to, disagree"...and IF you're willing to open yourself up to that person, then you have given each other permission to speak words of life with one another and accept each other despite all the points of view each of you may have.
-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini
Growing up, it wasn't so easy for me to swallow my pride, I feel I'm pretty extroverted, so I like to talk things out, buuut I also liked thinking that I was right. Now as an adult, having the kind of open relationship I have with my parents, siblings and close friends, has taught me otherwise. Also, in the past 3 years, I've learned so much about "swallowing your pride" from my husband.
My husband is a very manly man; an outgoing, sports enthusiast who loves working with his hands, but he is also a man that is not afraid to admit when he is wrong and to say sorry. He has literally been down on his knees saying sorry, for even just a small little thing, that I may not even have been upset about. He definitely knows how to express his love in so many ways and in return I do what I can to show how much I appreciate and respect him. When I'm upset or we get into an argument, more often than not, he'll beat me to the punch to resolve things and tell me how much he loves me, and from there, another great conversation is born and we get the chance to understand each other even better. Now, this may have been bourne through years of long distance communication and learning to understand each other through language barriers, but if you have the heart to grow and sustain the relationships around you, it's definitely worth the effort.
There are so many different situations in our lives where we may hold our tongues to avoid confrontation or because we think it doesn't really matter; or times we may speak too soon, not fully understanding, or maybe misinterpreting things for what WE think or hear others saying (this isn't only between couples; this can all be present in relationships between friends, siblings, parents and children, coworkers, family members, etc.). I think that all of these things can and may lead to heated discussions and arguments; which, by the way, isn't necessarily a bad thing, unless it isn't resolved properly.
Why is it so hard for so many people to just swallow their pride if it means our happiness and resolution? Sometimes the start to resolving these kind of situations can be as simple as saying one word, "Sorry." I know that just saying sorry isn't going to solve the problem, but it can be the beginning of a great compromise. For one person to be able to swallow their pride, whether they were wrong or not, can be the first stitch to repairing a small tear.
Swallowing your pride doesn't necessarily mean that you're always the first one to say sorry, especially if you don't mean it, but maybe it means initiating communication for reconciliation. I feel that most things, if not, everything, can be worked out with communication, words of encouragement, insight and intimacy into each other's lives, even if it is just to "agree to, disagree"...and IF you're willing to open yourself up to that person, then you have given each other permission to speak words of life with one another and accept each other despite all the points of view each of you may have.
-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
When The Math Just Doesn't Add Up
Years ago, I had a friend who had been married for several years and had tried to get pregnant several times but to her heartbreak, she was not successful. When I became pregnant with my first son, my husband and I were bursting at the seams with joy, but for many weeks, I didn’t tell my friend because I really didn’t know how I was going to do that without hurting her. However, I knew that if I didn’t tell her soon she might find out some other way and then she’d probably be hurt that I didn’t tell her right away.
So one evening I told her as gently as I could and at first, for a brief nano second, I saw the sting of pain in her eyes, but what she did next surprised me and taught me something about joy and sorrow that I’ve never forgotten. She was genuinely happy for us and was the one whom a couple of days after I was home alone from the hospital with our new baby, came to our apartment (from quite a distance) to clean, launder, cook and serve me hand and foot.
You see, my wise friend knew something I did not at the time. Joy is mathematically illogical; when you share it, it doesn’t diminish, it is multiplied! Remember the saying, “the more the merrier”?
So here’s where it gets even more mathematically illogical, are you ready? If sharing joy is easily multiplied, the opposite should also be true; sharing one’s sorrow would do the same, right? Well, that’s where one would be wrong. Sharing in someone else’s pain actually diminishes it for the person who is sorrowful. Think about it, when you’ve been in pain and shared it with another person who was good at listening and validated your sorrow, didn’t it diminish the pain? It always helps when we can share a burden with another.
Now imagine this, if someone shares their sorrow with you and you subtract some of their burden, you can turn around with an encouraging word or share with them some source of joy, and now you’ve not just added some joy to their situation, you’ve multiplied it!
I usually get very frustrated when math doesn’t make sense to me (and very frequently, higher math just doesn’t!), but in this case, I’m sure glad it doesn’t! The point is this: Don’t ever be afraid of sharing. When someone shares with you, listen, validate, and encourage. In every situation, find more joy and multiply it!
Oh, and as for my friend, she did end up having her first son about a year after me…..and then a couple years later a daughter followed! Joy multiplied!
-Tessa Charles
So one evening I told her as gently as I could and at first, for a brief nano second, I saw the sting of pain in her eyes, but what she did next surprised me and taught me something about joy and sorrow that I’ve never forgotten. She was genuinely happy for us and was the one whom a couple of days after I was home alone from the hospital with our new baby, came to our apartment (from quite a distance) to clean, launder, cook and serve me hand and foot.
You see, my wise friend knew something I did not at the time. Joy is mathematically illogical; when you share it, it doesn’t diminish, it is multiplied! Remember the saying, “the more the merrier”?
So here’s where it gets even more mathematically illogical, are you ready? If sharing joy is easily multiplied, the opposite should also be true; sharing one’s sorrow would do the same, right? Well, that’s where one would be wrong. Sharing in someone else’s pain actually diminishes it for the person who is sorrowful. Think about it, when you’ve been in pain and shared it with another person who was good at listening and validated your sorrow, didn’t it diminish the pain? It always helps when we can share a burden with another.
Now imagine this, if someone shares their sorrow with you and you subtract some of their burden, you can turn around with an encouraging word or share with them some source of joy, and now you’ve not just added some joy to their situation, you’ve multiplied it!
I usually get very frustrated when math doesn’t make sense to me (and very frequently, higher math just doesn’t!), but in this case, I’m sure glad it doesn’t! The point is this: Don’t ever be afraid of sharing. When someone shares with you, listen, validate, and encourage. In every situation, find more joy and multiply it!
Oh, and as for my friend, she did end up having her first son about a year after me…..and then a couple years later a daughter followed! Joy multiplied!
-Tessa Charles
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