Thursday, October 24, 2013

Miles Apart with No Distance

Wow, coming home from the airport that late Tuesday afternoon almost 3 months ago felt great!  I've been so blessed to be able to experience the world, but the feeling of touching ground on my turf, breathing in this atmosphere that I call home, and seeing my beautiful family whom I haven't see in 3 months is definitely an irreplaceable feeling.  That feeling NEVER gets old.

I think one of the hardest things for me is being separated from my family.  I always know I'll see them again, and with technology these days, video chatting is also an option, but it's nowhere near the same.  First, there are my parents.  It's different being separated from them, no doubt I miss them so so much when we're not together, but I know that they let me go because they trust and support me.  They allow me to spread my wings and experience the world, while still always having a nest to come home to.  Then there are three of us siblings, we're all very close, and with the environment that we grew up in and the way our parents raised us, we grew up becoming not only siblings,  but best friends.

My sister moved out to Minnesota for a school internship which then turned into a job offer...aaaand about 8 years later I'm still waiting for her to move back!  The night before she left I remember getting upset and going to my room crying.  I was upset that she had gone to each one of my family members to talk and have the "see ya later" conversation,  everyone except me.   Then as she curled up with me, crying together, I found out that she was prolonging MY "goodbye" because it was going to be the hardest one.  This day I thought would change our family dynamics, one of us is actually leaving the nest.

Then there's my brother, my baby brother...who sometimes actually feels like my older brother.  A couple years ago I was offered a promotion, but it was out of state.  You would think that being single (at the time), getting promoted, being able to go live on my own, expenses paid, that I'd have my bags packed and waiting for me by the door, but this wasn't the case.  So many reasons weighed in my mind why I should stay, and having to leave my brother behind was definitely probably the hardest to wrap my mind around.

And now coming home after 3 months, I definitely got that "finally home" feeling, but still so bittersweet because now I'm home, but I left a piece of my heart back in Italy.  This time I was leaving my husband behind and won't see him physically for 3 months, this was something I was not looking forward to...at all! We've done the long distance thing for a lot of our relationship,  but it was different this time.  We've lived together as husband and wife, went on many adventures, had our daily routines and got to know each other more on a different level, it was so awesome and perfect!  He's the best husband I could have ever been blessed with, how could I ever imagine not being by his side??  Fortunately,  we are able to talk and video chat every day, which in our situation I'll happily take!

Besides those who are closest to my heart, there are still of course my friends and other family who I get separated from.  Through the years of being away from my love ones, whether it's me leaving or them, I've gotten more acclimated to the fact that my family and I are not always going to be together.  It's never going to get easier being away or having to say "see you later," but you get through those moments together.  If your relationship means that much to you, you can be thousands of miles apart with no distance between you at all.  You can disagree with each other's decisions while still being supportive of each other.  You can love someone so much, that being separated is a sacrifice, but it's a sacrifice that you make together.  If you're "leaving" to follow your heart or to chase a dream, make every moment count and live each experience to it's fullest...you won't regret the your decision.  I know for me, all those times I've left and moved back home...it's always been such a great experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.

My husband will be here in just a few more days and my sister will be arriving with her husband in just a few weeks...amazing feelings of anticipation are starting to swell in my throat.  And it's the same feeling I get coming back home to see my parents and my brother.  And if life pulls us apart geographically, this is a feeling I'll accept because I know it comes from love. There is definitely nothing better than being together again with the people you love.

Keep your relationships strong, and make them count.  Even if it's with only a few people or even just one, have that person to confide in and keep you grounded; or be that person for somebody else.  And those times you are apart, it can actually feel good knowing you have someone that is supporting you and waiting for you to come back.

Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Kim

Yesterday my family and I lost my darling cousin, Kim.  It was very sudden and we’re all still in shock.  And so I’m asking for your indulgence in allowing me to honor the life of someone so dear to me today.  Actually, it’s not very much even “today” yet; it’s actually very, very early in the morning, however, my eyes keep spilling and any kind of “peaceful” slumber eludes me and so I’m taking this time to share my memories.

This beautiful girl was born exactly six months ahead of me.  As children she never let me forget it.  As adults, I never let her forget it! As children, we called her Kimi.  If we did that in front of her face after age 25 or so, she’d correct us and asked us to call her Kim (so behind her back, we referred to her as Kimi anyway).  As a child, she seemed to be sick a lot and so while we played tag and hide-and-seek outside, she’d enviously watch us through the window and smile and wave when permitted. As an adult, she out ran and out “fitnessed” all of the rest of us put together!

I remember before I could read, she would take the comics from my Grandfather’s newspaper and we’d lie on our bellies under the dining room table while she read Beatle Bailey to me using different voices and accents for each of the characters. Admiringly, I watched as her eyes scanned the paper and I thought she was so much smarter than me………she was.

When she turned 8 or 9, her family moved from a few doors down from my Grandparent’s house in the San Fernando Valley to San Diego and we didn’t see as much of each other until we learned to drive and even then, it was mostly during special occasions.  However, as we cousin’s started having each of our own families, we realized how special our early years had been together and we wanted the same for our children. We are blessed to share an Uncle and Aunt who wisely started a “Cousin’s Reunion” every summer in San Clemente for the past 15 +/- years and so now, not only do the “Cousins” get to share good times, but the “2nd Cousin"s get to as well.  None of us makes a lot of money, but we consider ourselves gloriously RICH for having such a legacy.

Had I known that last July was the last time I’d see my precious Kim, I think I would have told her how much I have always looked up to her; she would have got a kick out of that.  I would have told her how proud I am to be a part of her family.  I would have said I admire how her beautiful face exudes joy every time she enters a room and that I’ll never forget the sound of her laugh.  I would have praised her resilience and how freely she loves.  I would have applauded her unyielding, undying, unending, tenacious devotion to her 2 teenage boys, for I know that she is FIERCELY PROUD of them.  Lastly, I would have told her that I love her and I would have hugged her one last, long, lingering moment.  Then I would have kissed her a hundred times and then………..maybe then………I’d release her.

Kim, as hard as it’s going to be, I will release you.  I will release you because it’s better if you go.  But for tonight……and maybe even tomorrow night……and maybe for many nights to follow, I will still hold on to you tightly.  And when I’m finally able to fall asleep again, I will be dreaming that I’m giving you a hundred kisses.

-Tessa L. Charles

Friday, October 18, 2013

Always A Parent

Wow, raising a new puppy is tough work.  My family and I just got a new Labrador puppy about a month ago when he was just a little younger than 2 months.  We've had dogs before, but they've always been either outside dogs, a little older or already behaved (for the most part), so we didn't train them as intently as we are now with Broseppi, our new pup.  Who knew it would be so exhausting?

I'm not a parent to my own kids yet, but I imagine that this is just a tiny, tiny little taste of what it's going to be like.  While Broseppi is still little, this is when we want to instill and enforce all our values, we want to do everything we can to protect him.  We feel sad when we have to scold him, but we also take responsibility of making sure that we do.  We watch him grow and he keeps getting bigger and bigger each day, of course thinking that he is growing way too fast.  We get angry and frustrated when he does something bad, but we understand that he's still a puppy and learning.  We have to discipline ourselves so that he is disciplined, taking him for his vaccinations when he needs them, making sure he is clean, fed on a schedule and making sure he goes to the bathroom where he's supposed to.  We want to favor him all the time with toys and treats,  but we also teach him how to listen when we say "no."  We try to teach him new things everyday and feel like  proud parents when he learns; showing everyone his new tricks when we can. We were all sincerely concerned when he was sick for a few days and couldn't help but feel worried, and do everything we could to make sure he got better.  When taking care of a new life, there are no breaks.

Thank God for great parenting, huh?  Sometimes I feel nervous thinking that one day I will become a parent. I think about how it's going to be and if I'm going to do a good job.  I feel that if my husband and I can be half as amazing as my parents were to me and my siblings, then we'll be more than enough.

It's true, our behaviors and the way we grew up, our actions and how we are as adults, has a lot to do with how we were parented.  It's funny because sometimes when we're out with friends and we observe the actions of some people, my friend always says, "it's all about parenting."  I believe that we can directly shape the future of our society by the way kids are parented (or not parented).  Whether you are a biological parent or not, you can be a great influence for the younger generation around you.

Now, you don't have to go out and become a teacher or rush into becoming a parent, but if we are all aware of our words and actions, then we can be a sound example for those who need someone to look up to.  You can even be an example to other friends and family who aren't necessarily kids anymore.  I believe that you CAN "teach a dog new tricks," if they're willing to learn.  I don't know exactly where my future lies, if or how many kids I will have, but I know that I want to leave my mark somehow, and it's so exciting to know all the possibilities!

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I Am Enough

This past weekend I went to a local park where a Family Festival was taking place.  I have attended this festival for the past 4 years or so but I have to say, this year had the most temperate weather; it wasn’t too hot and it was crystal clear.  As I perused the booths, there was one that caught my attention because the lady who was manning the booth (or is it womaning?!) had an ebullient demeanor.  She was selling jewelry that could be custom made by selecting different pendants consisting of inspiring words, colored beads, symbols etc.  As I looked at the selection, two silver little pendants caught my eye, one that said, “I am” and a larger one that said, “Enough”.  Unexpectedly, that little phrase touched something deep inside of me and I began to tear up.

After spending some time since the weekend I have realized why it touched me so.  And I know I am speaking this out for myself, but I also know I’m not alone.  I don't know how many times I’ve been attacked with the “ I’m Too’s” (I’m too ____________fat, old, dumb, short, ugly, loud, soft-spoken, confident, shy, poor, weak, forgetful, clingy, needy, sick, busy…..). Or the “I’m Not’s (I’m not _______________ (rich, tall, young, pretty, smart, worthy, good, healthy, well-spoken, strong, doing…..) enough.

Look at those two statements.  One means I’m too much, the other means I’m inadequate. If I believe those lies then………WHEN……AM I EVER……ENOUGH?

Here’s the answer.  I was intentionally put on this earth for a purpose.  I possess certain skills/gifts designed for that purpose.  So every day, every moment I AM ENOUGH.  I need to live/breathe/lavish/soak/drown in I am enough. I am enough for today.  I am enough right now.  I am enough.

I encourage you to make a physical list of the “I’m Too’s” and the” I’m Not’s” that you have believed about yourself and then speak out the opposite to yourself…….out loud…..in a mirror…….in the car during traffic…….anytime……….all the time!  Speak it out (I am NOT too _______!  I AM _________enough!), believe it and then tear up that list and never re-visit it again.  And when you know who you are, if someone tries to tell you who you AREN’T, you don’t have to believe them!  In fact, you WON’T believe them!  Which makes their lies impenetrable (example: “I may be too short to be a model right now, but I’m just the perfect height for encouraging people”)!

I am enough.  You are enough.  We are enough.

-Tessa L. Charles



Tuesday, October 8, 2013

The Paradox of Vulnerability

A week ago, I had a mammogram and the following day I had a physical, just the normal yearly check-ups, but boy, what a week!  If there are any times when a woman feels vulnerable, it’s during those particular appointments, if you’re a woman I’m sure you agree.

Recently I gave a lecture about vulnerability and the paradox of being vulnerable.  Now, I won’t bore you with the whole lecture, but I do want to present my case in a couple of ways and then leave you to “marinate” on your own (or you can comment below or email me at dailytlc@gmail.com and we can chat about it more if you choose).

Some of the definitions of vulnerability include: Without adequate protection; extremely susceptible – easily persuadable; physically or psychologically weak; open to attack.
So far, not great, right? But here’s my favorite definition: Liable to increased stakes – either higher penalties as well as bonuses.  Wait a minute!  Increased stakes?  So what I think that’s saying is that when we are willing to be vulnerable; to let our guard down; take a risk, we are opening ourselves up to penalties (something bad) or bonuses.  Now, a bonus to me means something more than what was expected – in a good way!

As I have stated before, I’m not a risk taker by nature.  I have lived a good portion of my life “playing it safe”.  I’ve never broken a bone, I’ve never been in a bad car accident (just a couple of fender benders), and I’ve never had to go to the emergency room except for a really bad strep infection, or to take someone else.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but I think I may have also limited myself to reaping some bonuses as well.  Bummer!

In recent years, I have stretched myself and done things that have scared me.  I’ve let myself be more vulnerable, susceptible, open to attack and I’ve survived.  More than that, I’ve triumphed because I learned that I’m stronger; bolder than I thought I was.  The paradox of vulnerability sometimes is that when we are weak, that’s our opportunity to become strong!

When we are vulnerable in our relationships it’s scary!  We know what it’s been like to be hurt in the past. It’s our nature to defend ourselves; to put up a wall to those who have hurt us, disappointed us, and/or denigrated us.  What’s vulnerable in those situations is to intentionally choose to love those people, open ourselves up to them and reap the bonus of a closer, intimate bond.  If they continually choose to hurt us, we can still choose to love them, but we don’t have to let them close until they change.  Usually, it’s the intentional love that will allow them to do just that. This is an easier task when we learn that we can only control our choices, and they can only control theirs.  This can only work when we know and STAND in our own identity as a strong, fearlessly loved and worthy person.

If you’re unsure of your identity, email me and we can have a conversation.

-Tessa L. Charles

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Life Goes On...

 So,  I'm not a very big gambler, but my brother, some friends and I have been putting in a pool for this Super Mega Lottery or sometimes the Powerball one.  Just this past Tuesday, we all pooled in $5, took pictures of the our ticket numbers and sent them to each other.  Throughout the day we were all texting back and forth how we felt a winner in our hands.  So later on that evening when the results of the Super Mega Lottery came up, we found out that we didn't win.  I know the lottery is a very very veerryy long shot, but we did it for fun, in the hopes to win some money.  I don't think any of us were THAT upset or disappointed, but we did put ourselves in a position to be at least a little bummed, but right after my brother texts, "life goes on..." which got me thinking.

There are so many situations in our lives where we put ourselves at risk for disappointment.  I think that the majority of our day to day activities or even our big decisions in life put us at risk for disappointment.  But if these decisions put us at risk for disappointment, they also put us in positions of high rewards.  I mean, think about it, we're not going to put ourselves in "Lose/Lose" situations right?

 Being confidant enough in ourselves to take these steps, even if there is a risk of disappointment, can make us stronger and even more motivated.  The strength from these disappointments comes from knowing that "life goes on."  We have to believe that whatever situation we're in and wherever the outcome may lead us, that there is always hope: a feeling of trust; an expectation and desire of certainty; to expect with confidence. Having faith and confidence in ourselves, having hope and knowing that life goes on, gives us the ability to be happy everyday and accept our circumstances.  Now, accepting our circumstances and agreeing with them are two different things.  Accepting them doesn't mean that those circumstances are always right, and this doesn't mean that we just let them be, but we accept what happens and where we are now, and make the conscious decision of what we want to do next and where we want to be.  There aren't too many rewards without risks and we can't expect to move forward in our lives if we don't take steps in those directions.  We can't expect anything different of our lives if we stay complacent.
   
When we decide to date someone or decide to put our all into a potential relationship, when we decide we want to sustain our relationships, when we invest in a business, when we make a career choice, when we choose to go to college or not to go, when we decide to get married and/or have a baby, when we do a presentation, take an exam, buy cable, open a credit card, eat a bowl of ice cream, play the lottery, etc. etc. etc...when life takes us in all of these different directions and we have to make decisions for ourselves, for others, or for our families, don't be afraid to take these risks.  But make sure to weigh your options and know the circumstances, and when you're ready to take that step, in whichever direction you decide to go, be confident in yourself to make the right decisions and remember that no matter what happens, life goes on.

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini
















Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Balancing Act

Last week I started school again and I’m finding it a challenge to transition from busy to busier.  It’s clear that I’m going to have to re-prioritize my life for the next 10 weeks, but I’m excited to be back in the learning mode once again.
I am blessed to have the support of friends and family to lift me up in this new transition (I have just started at a new university and have gone from semester system to quarter system – yikes!) and with the help of the head of the academic department in my field, I’m praying a graduation will be occurring this coming summer.
I know all of us have our priority challenges and I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one being kept up at night with the running list of things I need to get done before my real (or imagined) deadlines, or with trying to figure out which requests I need to say no to. 
The balancing act gets overwhelming at times, but here are a few things I try to remember: I have authority over my own life and I will do what I can, when I am able.  I will say no to things that are lowest on my priority list if I don’t have time for them and I will NOT feel blame, shame or guilt when I do so.  I will delegate if possible and when I do, I will do so fully, and not try to covertly control the person to whom I delegate.  And if that person doesn’t do the task exactly how I want, I won’t stress.  If that person fails, I will not accept that failure as my own, I will just re-adjust.  I can only control me.

Coincidently, to fulfill a science course, I’m taking a stress management class, so I’ll let you know what I learn! If you’ve got any tips to share, do so in the comment box below or you can post on dailytlc@gmail.com.  Thanks!
-Tessa L. Charles