Mama Mia

In one of my previous blogs, I mentioned that for a substantial amount of time I was a Stay-At-Home Mom.  I quit a job teaching speech delayed children when my own son was almost 3 years old and I was expecting my 2^nd.  My husband and I figured out the resources it would take to send two children to day care would have been about the same amount of salary as I was making and I jokingly (somewhat) reasoned that if anyone was going to mess up raising my kids, it was going to be me!

I want to spend this day acknowledging those of you who have made that kind of commitment to your families (and to society) no matter how long or short of a time period you have allotted.  I must admit, for myself, it was far from an easy job.  And let’s be clear, those who stay home are not just “Moms” (or in some cases, “Dads”), but chefs, housekeepers, chauffeurs, managers, organizers, teachers, playmates, shoppers, nurse, launderers etc.!  It is a 24/7 shift with no sick days, and no vacation pay and little recognition.

There were many (MANY!) days in which, and let me be honest, I was NOT a happy Mom.  I always felt some kind of guilt.  Guilt that I was too impatient, that I wasn’t getting everything done, that I wasn’t spending enough time nurturing my children, that I wasn’t “contributing” enough  to my family or the world, and most of all, that I wasn’t enjoying my kids like any good Mom should have.  Those of you who are now or have been Stay-At-Home Moms probably know what I’m talking about.

It was only after I started my first part-time job that I realized my worth as a Stay-At-Home Mom, because all of a sudden, everything that I had been doing in my home was NOT getting done!  I realized that all the time I spent “guilting” myself was a grand waste of time.  I often commented to my husband, “Gosh! I need a wife!” meaning that I needed someone at home to get everything done!  Soon,  like any working Mom, I learned to adapt by making short cuts and then just learning to live with a messy home from time to time.  Thankfully, my kids don’t remember my “rantings”, and have grown up to be pretty awesome anyway.  Ultimately, my contributions to this world are two young men who are destined to change it.  As a bonus, I have contributed to my own family legacy by raising such amazing men, and wasn’t that the whole underlying reason to stay home? 

I am so convinced that the time I spent was so valuable, that I have included it in my resume.  It is a mark of accomplishment that I am proud of and I REFUSE to leave it out like a huge blank of meaningless time. 

So I honor, acknowledge, and respect all you Stay-At-Home Moms out there.  And for all you single Moms?   Everything that I just said times 100!!  You ROCK!!!!  Please know this: all your hard work and frustration will not go unrewarded.  You are doing a courageous work that I for one recognize.  And please, when that guilt monster starts creeping into your thoughts, escort it out of your house and DO let the front door hit it on its way out!  Keep on being amazing, I’m proud of you.

-Tessa L. Charles

Follow Ol' Rafiki, He Knows The Way

When my oldest son was about 18 months old, we took him to his first movie, “The Lion King”.  Of course, as a toddler, he didn’t sit still but for 10-15 minutes into the movie, however, it must have made an impression because it became his favorite movie.  We purchased the video tape (yeah, it was that long ago!) and probably watched that thing every day for YEARS!  I can still recite huge chunks of that movie and I know that because from time to time, he’ll still watch it!  One time we were watching it and there is one scene that is the turning point of the plot, where Rafiki, the wise-old monkey hits Simba over the head.  Simba asks him, “Whatdja do that for?!” and Rafiki says, “It doesn’t matter it’s in the past!”  Here, take a look yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZfGTL2PY3E

Like Simba, I was hit over the head with the message that my past can still hurt if I keep running from it, instead of learning from it.  You know what I’m talking about, those old festering wounds of rejection, unkind words, abuses, curses, offenses etc.  I rationalized to myself, “I have every right to feel the way do!”  And that’s true, nobody can dispute that.  But what good was it doing me? That hurt was doing nothing for me except holding me captive.  In Simba’s case, his perspective of the past kept him from his true destiny and identity as king.

 So I ask myself (and I ask you to do the same), what destiny is being unfulfilled by me holding on to the offenses of the past?  I am a unique, creative individual and what I have to offer cannot be fulfilled by anyone else.  If I am not fulfilling my destiny, my unique part is not being released into this world and so I am then, giving much more power to the circumstance or the person who offended me in the first place and that person or circumstance is in no way, shape or form deserves that! 

And so here is our assignment today:  Take a big breath, then say out loud, “I release the power that (a circumstance, individual, unkind word, abuse, curse, offense, whatever) has over me!   And now I am one step closer to my destiny” and then exhale and “shoo” that unwanted thing AWAY!  Start small if you must and then from day to day “shoo away” bigger offenses.  And by the way, when new offenses come, do not pick them up.  Just “shoo” them away from the get go, they don’t deserve being in your life!”

Please feel free to post your experience as a comment.  I’m sure a lot of us will learn and be encouraged from your successes. 

-Tessa L. Charles

......And I'd Like To Thank.....

 As promised, I want to express my gratitude to the male members of my “family” (related by blood or otherwise), I doubt many of them read this blog though!  In any case, as far as my brothers, well, it’s kind of complicated.  If you take the TV show Modern Family, throw in a couple of step brothers, then you’ve sort of an idea!  Anyway, I am blessed to have grown up with one of them and he and I are forever bound together by ties woven out of both heaven and hell that only he and I will ever understand.  I am so grateful to know that we are the only two people on this earth who will ever comprehend from whence our wicked, wicked humor comes, for it was only the two of us that were able to pull each other out of some sticky, bitterness by making each other laugh at the most un-humorous times. 

I am so grateful for a Dad who has never given up on me and who has forgiven as well as been forgiven much.  I am thankful for a Step-Dad who has loved my mother well.  I have the most funny, smart and understanding Uncles EVER!!  They are so keen to give advice, even when I don’t’ want it!  Haha!!!

I’m also surrounded by those “Uncles”, “Cousins”, “Nephews”, “Brothers” and “Sons” of whose blood I don’t share but who ears, hearts and wisdom are my life blood anyway.  I thank them, and they know who they are.

 I have two cousins who were born when I was a pre-teen and so had to put up with all my “mothering” (more like smothering), but who are grown men now.  I’m so proud of them.  I am grateful to them for letting me practice my “skills” on them and for relinquishing (however willingly) their positions to my two sons. 

Did I mention I have the best teens ever known to man-kind?!  If I ever did anything right in this world, it is them.  Words cannot even express……I’ll just say that they are all the proof I need that God exists. 

I just realized that this is sounding so much like an Academy Awards speech, and if I ever win one, you’ll be hearing this all over again, but I would like to end this attitude of gratitude week with my spouse as any winning actor would.  I am so grateful I found someone who accepts me for the way that I am to share this life with.  I am thankful for the legacy of our sons.  I am thankful for the honorable man that I married.

Just like I suggested we contact and thank the women in our lives, I am suggesting we do the same for the men.  I have sent texts out this week, and the response I got back was amazing.  It made me realize that I don't do this enough.  So please share your experiences about the people you’re grateful for, and the responses you got from telling them so.  We all can benefit from an attitude of gratitude.  Have a great weekend, all.

-Tessa L. Charles

Kissin' "Cousins"

In keeping with the theme this week of an attitude of gratitude, I wanted to focus on being grateful to those closest to us; our family including those people in our lives who may not be blood related, but whom we consider family anyway (you know who you are!).

All 4 of my siblings are brothers, and I live with my 2 sons and husband as the lone female in a house of odd smells and noises.  The only female I have ever lived with (besides a couple of years of room-mates in my college dorm) was my Mom over half my life time ago.

For that reason, I’m SO GRATEFUL for the women in my life.  I have the GREATEST female cousins that I had the privilege to grow up around and who are blessedly, still the sanest voices in my head today.  All I need to do is to call or text them and they give me all the strength and/or counsel and/or humor I need to carry on.  I have an incredible Mom, and MANY very, very supportive and encouraging aunts (again, some not even blood related but who still refer to me or treat me as their “niece”). There are also those women who have come into my life through my many male relatives, an ever joyful step-mom, awesome and smart cousins-in-law, and a talented sister-n-law.   And I can’t forget my nieces!  I get to love those girls as if they were my own, but then they’re considerate enough to go live in their own homes so that I can be the only “princess” in mine.  Thanks, girls!!

I know you have women in your life that you appreciate, and I also know that you are a person whom your relatives appreciate.  So let’s spend a few moments today in honoring the women in your life by calling/emailing/texting 4 or 5 of them” just because”.  Let them know you’re thinking of them and how grateful you are to have them in your life.  Then in the next few days, contact a few more.  Trust me, you will make their day.  And who knows, you may get a call/email/text yourself! 

And don't worry, the next blog will be about those gentlemen!  Have a great day!

-Tessa L. Charles

Attitude of Gratitude

Today is the 21^st day of 2013.  I want to congratulate those of us who started a New Year’s resolution and have stuck to it.  We have now officially made that resolution a habit, YAY!  For those of us who started late or who have yet to start, let’s keep at it, quitting is not an option!

I want to focus this week on an attitude of gratitude.  My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.  I love it because it’s the only major holiday that is focused on being grateful for what we have instead of getting something or exchanging something.  Although recently, it has become the day before we start the commercial madness of “gift giving”, I have made the decision to start declaring out loud the things for which I’m thankful starting on November 1^st each year in preparation for Thanksgiving day, the day I get to do one of the things I’m most passionate about:  being with my awesome family and friends.  To encourage others to think not about what they don’t have and to be grateful for what they do have, I ask at least one person a day in November what they’re thankful for. 

I know that in my own day to day, when I’m feeling down, discouraged, “complainy” (you know the word I wanna use), oppressed, stifled, all those negative feelings,  the one thing that can turn my attitude around is to start listing the things for which I’m thankful.  It’s an exercise that, admittedly, I’m reluctant to start when I’m in the moment of complaint, and at first I can only think of one or two things, but when I persist, my list of gratitude becomes longer.  That’s because negativity doesn’t stand a CHANCE in the presence of gratitude!

Let’s try something today.  When we have a quick moment today, sit down and make a list of at least 3 things for which we are most thankful.  Let’s put the list in our phone or wallet so that we have a “go to” list to start an attitude of gratitude when those negative feelings dare to come up against us.  This is our opportunity to put on our “gratitude armor” and to kill those feelings not just for us but for those around us.  What do you say?  Let’s stand up and stand together so that we can become a new generation where negativity doesn’t stand a chance in our presence!  We can do this! 

-Tessa L. Charles

It's The Hard That Makes It Great

For those of us who started New Year’s resolutions (especially healthy ones)and have stuck with them, congratulations!  Just a few more days and those resolutions will become habits.  For those of us who have slacked off, let’s pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start again, 2013 is NOT for quitters!!  We can do this.  For those of us who still have not started, no worries, we can start today, because it’s NEVER too late.

There have been many times where I’ve faced some things that have seemed too overwhelming to accomplish especially when in the midst of it.  I remember after having my first son, during the first few weeks I thought to myself, “What have I got myself into??? I’m NEVER going to get any sleep! I’m NEVER going to have any time to tend to my own needs!  I’m NEVER going to get this breastfeeding thing down……”

I recall the many times I’ve decided to lose weight.  I’d think, “Oh, I’m NEVER going to lose all of that!”, “I’m going to have to starve myself!” “I’m NEVER going to find enough time to exercise as much as I need to”.

The day I decided to go back to school, I cried, “I’m too old for this!”, “I’m not smart enough” “I don’t have time for this.  It’s going to take too long!!!”  Blah, blah, blah......

There were times that I quit (which explains why I had to go back to school) but the only times worth talking about are when I persevered.  What I finally realized is that all those tough times were temporary.  My son grew out of his neediness, I did lose weight, and I finally passed ALL of the math classes I needed to fulfill requirements (just this last December, I might add!!).   I know.  It’s hard. But remember the scene in the movie, A League of Their Own?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndL7y0MIRE4 It’s the hard that makes it great. 

I know you’ve got your own inspiring stories of perseverance.  Please feel free to post yours in the comment section any time.  I want this blog to be an open forum for us to encourage each other.  Thanks, I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

-Tessa L. Charles

Grace Growers

Isn’t it unbearable working with someone who just rubs us the wrong way?  Or living with someone who is impossible to please?  Or having to listen to a relative who’s always so negative?  We all have at least one of these types of people in our lives even at this very moment, right (it’s just a good thing WE are not like any one of them, thank heaven!)?

It’s not a coincidence that difficult people are put into our lives.  They’re our “grace growers”, people who teach us to become a better version of ourselves.  I’m gonna propose a challenge that we can start this very day:  Let’s take advantage of our grace growers by using every opportunity to react to them exactly the opposite way they expect us to!  This is taking “killing them with kindness” to a militant level!  Let’s compliment them when we feel like tearing them down.  Smile at them when they demean us.  Bring them coffee and NOT purposely spill it on them!   Be obnoxiously polite!  Let’s try being creative when that person speaks negatively by changing their words from negative to positive.  “ Oh, Aunt Jenny (chuckle, chuckle), I think what you meant to say is, that spike going through cousin Mary’s nose sure is…….shiny aaaaand …..super clean!!”

I once had a co-worker who just got on my last nerve.  One day I decided that if our working relationship was going to change, I’d have to make it happen.  So, I mustered a smile (albeit, fake), told her that I was going to get a bottled water and asked her if I could bring her one as well.  All the way back I just conjured up some “good thoughts” that I “input” on that bottled water which was in my clenched hand!  The next day, I came up with something to start up a short conversation and vowed I would make myself actually looked interested.  The next time I asked her what she was planning that coming weekend.  Day after day, it went like this……and then we became best friends.  No, not really, in fact, not at all!  BUT our working relationship did become better, and that was the whole point, right?

No, it wasn’t easy and I did have to be “fake nice” at first.  But what I learned is that by taking advantage of the opportunity grace growers provide me, I may be able to change that person, even if that changed person ends up being me.

-Tessa L. Charles