Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Thanksgiving

I have made it no secret that this time of the year is my favorite.  I love when the few seasonal trees we have here in “SoCal” turn color, the climate turns cooler (YES!!!), and the holidays approach. 
In the past, I have stressed out a bit at the economic expectations that would loom, and watching any of the shopping channels, walking into any Target or Costco, or receiving any catalogs anytime near Halloween would just exacerbate this budget anxiety.  I am dismayed that Thanksgiving has become just the day-before-the-biggest-shopping-day-of-the-year, as if Thanksgiving day is the time we need to carb load just to make it through the long lines a few hours after eating.  It has been my mission to reclaim the focus of Thanksgiving, which is, to give thanks.  Let’s take a look at the advantages of living a life of gratitude. 
Being grateful changes an attitude of entitlement and complaint.  It helps us focus on the good things that are happening to us and not the “less good”.  It forces us to look at our blessings in a world where there are others not so blessed.  Those of us who live in the US are living in the top 5% of the world economically.  That’s incredible. 
A couple of weeks ago, my professor put out a general announcement to the class, “If anyone has an old iPhone 4…….my cat needs something to play with”.  Being that I actually HAVE an iPhone4 (and am happy with it, by the way) I laughingly said, “Oh, so those of us with an iPhone4 have a product so inferior that it’s only worth giving a cat to play with?” He looked at me and said incredulously, “Are you saying you actually HAVE an iPhone4?!”  He was only mildly kidding.  Wow.  Being grateful is being happy with what you have, dude.  Uh……Dr. Dude.
Being grateful begets joy!  Try this, when you're having a mediocre or bad day, start listing all the things you are thankful for.  It can be as small as being grateful for an awesome blow drier!  The little things naturally lead to the bigger things and soon you're going to see how much you have to be grateful for and then joy just shows its pretty little head.  You've just made your bad day a good one!
Anyway, I suppose what I’m saying is that it’s easy to focus on what we don’t have; in how life may not have turned out how we planned; that circumstances can be so unfair.  But saying thank you to even the smallest things in our lives can shift our focus from what we don’t have to what we do have.  Shifting focus will lead us to living our lives like we are the richest, most prosperous, blessed beings on the planet - because we are.  Let’s stop grappling unhappily for what we don’t have and start coddling, loving what we do have.  And let our blessings flow through us to bless others. 

I am thankful for each one of you.  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
-Tessa L. Charles

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Love's Like a Hurricane

By now you’ve seen the devastation that hurricane Haiyan has done to the Philippine Islands last week.  My heart goes out to all the people who have lost their homes, jobs, not to mention the loss of friends and relatives.  Rebuilding is going to take years, perhaps decades, but I admire the resiliency of the people, I always have.  After viewing Anderson Cooper’s report (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/15/anderson-cooper-defends-philippines-coverage_n_4280683.html) I felt compelled to write a bit about my own short experience in the Philippines. 
Although born a third generation Californian, most of my family’s ancestry is rooted in the Philippines.  I had always wanted to visit the Philippine Islands even though pretty much all of my relatives had come to the US long ago. In 2004 I finally got my chance to go when my Uncle and Aunt decided to spend a couple of their retirement years living there and they invited us to go visit.  As their son, my cousin, and I we were in the plane preparing for landing, I looked out the airplane window and looked over the first signs of civilization; a patchwork of fish ponds and huts and thought to myself, “This is the land of my ancestry” and I could have sworn I felt the twang of a distant, ancient, albeit thin tether binding myself to that land’s watery and green terrain.  For 2 weeks, my cousin and I stayed with his parents and they took us everywhere they could for us to become familiar with the land. 
One morning, after having our own huge breakfast, we were leaving their rented house on a pineapple plantation (simple, VERY simple to American standards, a luxurious abode to most indigenous standards) and we were invited to a birthday party taking place on the compound for one of the youngsters.  Now let me explain something.  Filipinos are a very welcoming often making those around them “family” even though there is no blood relation.  They are very giving and it is perceived as dishonorable to have a party and not invite all of the “family” even when provisions cannot accommodate, which is why everyone who comes, brings something to share.  So as you can imagine, one cannot turn down an invitation to attend without being rude.
The celebrants invited us into their home (a corrugated roof over a dirt floor), served us food (though we were already stuffed from our own breakfast) and we were compelled to eat because they gave us their all, pretty much everything they had. From right off the flame (not a stove) I was given rice and chicken adobo (I was wondering why there was one less crowing rooster that morning!) and I ate as much as I could, not letting them know I didn’t eat chicken (I gave it to my cousin when no one was looking).  After eating as much as we could, we were then led outside for dessert.  One member of the family climbed the coconut tree that shaded their home, threw down fresh green coconuts, and the father of the celebrant cut open each one and gave each of us our own and we drank the coconut water and ate the flesh.  I have never been so full in all my life!  Some music was played, the children danced, the old people laughed, the parents served, the babies clapped. 
I was astounded that people who had so little could give so much.  They could have very easily had their party without us knowing or given us smaller portions, knowing that we had just eaten, however, they actually took smaller portions for themselves.  They were clearly living, “simply”, yet they gave like they were the richest people of the day.  It would have been very easy for them to live in a poverty mind set and not celebrate their child’s birthday so “extravagantly”, but that was not an option, and the joy they shared despite their circumstance was unexpected.  What a mind shift!
Since that time, another cousin of mine and his wife and children have spent the last 5 years or so ministering in the Philippines.  They started a foundation called, Nothing 2 Lose and it was set up as leadership training for the youth which they do through basketball camps and scholarships.  If you feel compelled to donate, if you haven’t already, know that there will be no “middle man” and your donation will go to where it is needed in areas that may be overlooked by other foundations.  Here is the link: http://www.n2lfoundation.com/

I thank you and ask you to continue to pray for all the victims of this disaster.  I know that even now, they are still a joyful, giving people despite having lost pretty much everything.  It’s who they are; it’s who I strive to be.  
-Tessa L. Charles

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Worth Fighting For

When do you choose opportunities over morals, or do you?  Are there opportunities where we can choose both?  Is this another opportunity for compromise?

Sometimes we are presented with opportunities that make us choose between friendship or opportunity to further ourselves and our careers.  Lately I've been watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy.  These main characters who have gone through a surgical internship together, have also gone through years of residency and now are up for a spot to be Chief Resident and then onto becoming an Attendee.  Dr. Karev and Dr. Grey have been in it together since the beginning, gone through so much together and have been such good friends. But this race for Chief Resident made Dr. Karev throw Dr. Grey under the bus, which nearly made her lose her residency and almost lose her fight for adopting a baby.  He chose his career over his friendship.  In this case he realized what he did was wrong and did everything he could to fix their friendship and prove the worth of their relationship.  He believed that his friendship was worth saving and fighting for.

Now maybe I'm not writing so much about which is right or wrong, but I am wondering if our actions are always worth it...if it means our friendships.  I know it's not always black or white, right or wrong. Sometimes we are presented with opportunities that will get us ahead in life,  and if this is the case, then if you're really friends then they should understand, right?  I think in situations like this, we just need to be honest with each other.  Let your friend know what's happening and if you value each other's decisions then it won't even be an issue between opportunity or morality.   If the opportunity that is presented isn't worth your friendship, then maybe that's your opportunity to walk away and find something else, something better, but of course still weighing your alternatives.

Another situation may be choosing one relationship over another.  Yes, some of my days consist of watching reruns of Beverly Hills 90210, the 90's version.  Not too long ago they showed the episode where Kelly messes around with her best friend Brenda's boyfriend while she is out of the country.  Because they've known each other for a long time and always had this "connection" somehow justified their actions.  Later it became a whole triangle and Dylan ends up picking Kelly.  Brenda loses her best friend and her boyfriend, while Kelly chooses one relationship over another.  Now, is she choosing to go after her heart or go against her morals?  Again, I know it's not like choosing black or white, but maybe all relationships can be worth it? Is that possible?

I know that things like this do happen in real life.   Maybe if situations like these present themselves, they could result in a much better outcome if people are just honest with each other.  If you call yourself a friend, be a friend.  If you're 1 half a couple, abide by your commitment.  Remember that honesty, integrity, communication and loyalty are some of the most important aspects of a relationship.   If there are issues, be honest with each other; fight if it's worth fighting for.  Things may still end up differently than you had planned, wanted or expected, but at least you're being honest and sticking to your values.

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Joy Comes in the Mo(u)rning

A couple of weeks ago, as was mentioned in my last blog, my cousin suddenly, and unexpectedly, passed away.  I know many of us at one time or another have suffered with loss, so what I’m about to write about won’t be a surprise to you, but I’m taking this opportunity to put pen to paper (so to speak) to share the process that I’ve been going through.  If you’ve been blessed not to have suffered a loss, perhaps this might be helpful to you when you do.
One of the first things I have learned is to take comfort in the fact that there is a time for mourning.  During the first couple of days after my cousin passed, I vowed to be “strong” and forced myself to “carry on” like I thought that she would.  What a mistake.  By the end of the 2nd day, I had given myself a migraine that forced me to stay in bed for 24 hours.   Intermittently, I found myself tearing up (ok, full out crying) and/or railing about how unfair it all was instead of just setting aside some time to just mourn.  The day after the migraine, I remembered that song by The Byrds, “Turn, Turn, Turn (To Everything There is a Season)”, which of course was derived from a verse in Ecclesiastes in the Bible.  A huge burden was lifted off of me when I realized by mourning, I was being strong, not weak.  It takes strength to stop everything to ask for help and just give oneself a chance to mourn.
I’ve learned that mourning doesn’t have to rob me of my peace or hope or even joy.  Though I will continue to miss my cousin, and the ache of her absence will remain, I know that I will see her again, and this gives me peace and hope.  As for happiness, it is fleeting, it’s a temporary feeling, but joy is the mine forever; despite the circumstance; despite my feelings; joy is mine, and no one can take it away. That was evident as my family gathered together to celebrate Kim’s life.  We definitely mourned our loss, yet when we’re together it is impossible for joy not to just seep (if not burst) out, it’s just something in our DNA that cannot and will not be squelched.  On that day, we definitely weren’t happy, but we sure were joyful. 
I’ve learned that in time, the raw, painful, stabbing pain of loss that takes one’s breath away is slowly replaced with the dull ache of acceptance.  Every day the light gets stronger and the darkness regresses.  I’ve learned that the memories of the ones who have gone remind us of happier times and compel us to continue with our everyday tasks which propel us forward even when we don’t feel like it.
I’ve learned that guilt is a time robber and joy stealer and I will NOT have anything to do with it.  My cousin was as sweet as maple syrup jacked-up on saccharin, but she was a little “director” too (a female family trait), and I know for a fact that if she knew that any of us were feeling guilty for enjoying life after her passing, she’d be really mad (and if any of my family members are reading this: you know it’s true!)! So in honor of her, I will enjoy life as much as I enjoy kicking guilt right in its backside!

I don’t have all the answers right now, but I might have a few more as time passes.  I don’t know if or how I can help my nephews with the loss of their mother, but I’m going to try.  I am at a loss at what life looks like from here on out without that sweet little piece of sunshine, but I will not allow darkness to win.  All I know is that I am blessed to have been a part of her life and that I’m going to make that little slice of her that is within me continue to live.  Now, more than ever I can be assured that there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the mo(u)rning. 
-Tessa L. Charles