Thanksgiving

I have made it no secret that this time of the year is my favorite.  I love when the few seasonal trees we have here in “SoCal” turn color, the climate turns cooler (YES!!!), and the holidays approach. 

In the past, I have stressed out a bit at the economic expectations that would loom, and watching any of the shopping channels, walking into any Target or Costco, or receiving any catalogs anytime near Halloween would just exacerbate this budget anxiety.  I am dismayed that Thanksgiving has become just the day-before-the-biggest-shopping-day-of-the-year, as if Thanksgiving day is the time we need to carb load just to make it through the long lines a few hours after eating.  It has been my mission to reclaim the focus of Thanksgiving, which is, to give thanks.  Let’s take a look at the advantages of living a life of gratitude. 

Being grateful changes an attitude of entitlement and complaint.  It helps us focus on the good things that are happening to us and not the “less good”.  It forces us to look at our blessings in a world where there are others not so blessed.  Those of us who live in the US are living in the top 5% of the world economically.  That’s incredible. 

A couple of weeks ago, my professor put out a general announcement to the class, “If anyone has an old iPhone 4…….my cat needs something to play with”.  Being that I actually HAVE an iPhone4 (and am happy with it, by the way) I laughingly said, “Oh, so those of us with an iPhone4 have a product so inferior that it’s only worth giving a cat to play with?” He looked at me and said incredulously, “Are you saying you actually HAVE an iPhone4?!”  He was only mildly kidding.  Wow.  Being grateful is being happy with what you have, dude.  Uh……Dr. Dude.

Being grateful begets joy!  Try this, when you're having a mediocre or bad day, start listing all the things you are thankful for.  It can be as small as being grateful for an awesome blow drier!  The little things naturally lead to the bigger things and soon you're going to see how much you have to be grateful for and then joy just shows its pretty little head.  You've just made your bad day a good one!

Anyway, I suppose what I’m saying is that it’s easy to focus on what we don’t have; in how life may not have turned out how we planned; that circumstances can be so unfair.  But saying thank you to even the smallest things in our lives can shift our focus from what we don’t have to what we do have.  Shifting focus will lead us to living our lives like we are the richest, most prosperous, blessed beings on the planet - because we are.  Let’s stop grappling unhappily for what we don’t have and start coddling, loving what we do have.  And let our blessings flow through us to bless others. 

I am thankful for each one of you.  Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

-Tessa L. Charles

Love's Like a Hurricane

By now you’ve seen the devastation that hurricane Haiyan has done to the Philippine Islands last week.  My heart goes out to all the people who have lost their homes, jobs, not to mention the loss of friends and relatives.  Rebuilding is going to take years, perhaps decades, but I admire the resiliency of the people, I always have.  After viewing Anderson Cooper’s report (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/15/anderson-cooper-defends-philippines-coverage_n_4280683.html) I felt compelled to write a bit about my own short experience in the Philippines. 

Although born a third generation Californian, most of my family’s ancestry is rooted in the Philippines.  I had always wanted to visit the Philippine Islands even though pretty much all of my relatives had come to the US long ago. In 2004 I finally got my chance to go when my Uncle and Aunt decided to spend a couple of their retirement years living there and they invited us to go visit.  As their son, my cousin, and I we were in the plane preparing for landing, I looked out the airplane window and looked over the first signs of civilization; a patchwork of fish ponds and huts and thought to myself, “This is the land of my ancestry” and I could have sworn I felt the twang of a distant, ancient, albeit thin tether binding myself to that land’s watery and green terrain.  For 2 weeks, my cousin and I stayed with his parents and they took us everywhere they could for us to become familiar with the land. 

One morning, after having our own huge breakfast, we were leaving their rented house on a pineapple plantation (simple, VERY simple to American standards, a luxurious abode to most indigenous standards) and we were invited to a birthday party taking place on the compound for one of the youngsters.  Now let me explain something.  Filipinos are a very welcoming often making those around them “family” even though there is no blood relation.  They are very giving and it is perceived as dishonorable to have a party and not invite all of the “family” even when provisions cannot accommodate, which is why everyone who comes, brings something to share.  So as you can imagine, one cannot turn down an invitation to attend without being rude.

The celebrants invited us into their home (a corrugated roof over a dirt floor), served us food (though we were already stuffed from our own breakfast) and we were compelled to eat because they gave us their all, pretty much everything they had. From right off the flame (not a stove) I was given rice and chicken adobo (I was wondering why there was one less crowing rooster that morning!) and I ate as much as I could, not letting them know I didn’t eat chicken (I gave it to my cousin when no one was looking).  After eating as much as we could, we were then led outside for dessert.  One member of the family climbed the coconut tree that shaded their home, threw down fresh green coconuts, and the father of the celebrant cut open each one and gave each of us our own and we drank the coconut water and ate the flesh.  I have never been so full in all my life!  Some music was played, the children danced, the old people laughed, the parents served, the babies clapped. 

I was astounded that people who had so little could give so much.  They could have very easily had their party without us knowing or given us smaller portions, knowing that we had just eaten, however, they actually took smaller portions for themselves.  They were clearly living, “simply”, yet they gave like they were the richest people of the day.  It would have been very easy for them to live in a poverty mind set and not celebrate their child’s birthday so “extravagantly”, but that was not an option, and the joy they shared despite their circumstance was unexpected.  What a mind shift!

Since that time, another cousin of mine and his wife and children have spent the last 5 years or so ministering in the Philippines.  They started a foundation called, Nothing 2 Lose and it was set up as leadership training for the youth which they do through basketball camps and scholarships.  If you feel compelled to donate, if you haven’t already, know that there will be no “middle man” and your donation will go to where it is needed in areas that may be overlooked by other foundations.  Here is the link: http://www.n2lfoundation.com/. 

I thank you and ask you to continue to pray for all the victims of this disaster.  I know that even now, they are still a joyful, giving people despite having lost pretty much everything.  It’s who they are; it’s who I strive to be.  

-Tessa L. Charles

Worth Fighting For

When do you choose opportunities over morals, or do you?  Are there opportunities where we can choose both?  Is this another opportunity for compromise?

Sometimes we are presented with opportunities that make us choose between friendship or opportunity to further ourselves and our careers.  Lately I've been watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy.  These main characters who have gone through a surgical internship together, have also gone through years of residency and now are up for a spot to be Chief Resident and then onto becoming an Attendee.  Dr. Karev and Dr. Grey have been in it together since the beginning, gone through so much together and have been such good friends. But this race for Chief Resident made Dr. Karev throw Dr. Grey under the bus, which nearly made her lose her residency and almost lose her fight for adopting a baby.  He chose his career over his friendship.  In this case he realized what he did was wrong and did everything he could to fix their friendship and prove the worth of their relationship.  He believed that his friendship was worth saving and fighting for.

Now maybe I'm not writing so much about which is right or wrong, but I am wondering if our actions are always worth it...if it means our friendships.  I know it's not always black or white, right or wrong. Sometimes we are presented with opportunities that will get us ahead in life,  and if this is the case, then if you're really friends then they should understand, right?  I think in situations like this, we just need to be honest with each other.  Let your friend know what's happening and if you value each other's decisions then it won't even be an issue between opportunity or morality.   If the opportunity that is presented isn't worth your friendship, then maybe that's your opportunity to walk away and find something else, something better, but of course still weighing your alternatives.

Another situation may be choosing one relationship over another.  Yes, some of my days consist of watching reruns of Beverly Hills 90210, the 90's version.  Not too long ago they showed the episode where Kelly messes around with her best friend Brenda's boyfriend while she is out of the country.  Because they've known each other for a long time and always had this "connection" somehow justified their actions.  Later it became a whole triangle and Dylan ends up picking Kelly.  Brenda loses her best friend and her boyfriend, while Kelly chooses one relationship over another.  Now, is she choosing to go after her heart or go against her morals?  Again, I know it's not like choosing black or white, but maybe all relationships can be worth it? Is that possible?

I know that things like this do happen in real life.   Maybe if situations like these present themselves, they could result in a much better outcome if people are just honest with each other.  If you call yourself a friend, be a friend.  If you're 1 half a couple, abide by your commitment.  Remember that honesty, integrity, communication and loyalty are some of the most important aspects of a relationship.   If there are issues, be honest with each other; fight if it's worth fighting for.  Things may still end up differently than you had planned, wanted or expected, but at least you're being honest and sticking to your values.

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

Joy Comes in the Mo(u)rning

A couple of weeks ago, as was mentioned in my last blog, my cousin suddenly, and unexpectedly, passed away.  I know many of us at one time or another have suffered with loss, so what I’m about to write about won’t be a surprise to you, but I’m taking this opportunity to put pen to paper (so to speak) to share the process that I’ve been going through.  If you’ve been blessed not to have suffered a loss, perhaps this might be helpful to you when you do.

One of the first things I have learned is to take comfort in the fact that there is a time for mourning.  During the first couple of days after my cousin passed, I vowed to be “strong” and forced myself to “carry on” like I thought that she would.  What a mistake.  By the end of the 2^nd day, I had given myself a migraine that forced me to stay in bed for 24 hours.   Intermittently, I found myself tearing up (ok, full out crying) and/or railing about how unfair it all was instead of just setting aside some time to just mourn.  The day after the migraine, I remembered that song by The Byrds, “Turn, Turn, Turn (To Everything There is a Season)”, which of course was derived from a verse in Ecclesiastes in the Bible.  A huge burden was lifted off of me when I realized by mourning, I was being strong, not weak.  It takes strength to stop everything to ask for help and just give oneself a chance to mourn.

I’ve learned that mourning doesn’t have to rob me of my peace or hope or even joy.  Though I will continue to miss my cousin, and the ache of her absence will remain, I know that I will see her again, and this gives me peace and hope.  As for happiness, it is fleeting, it’s a temporary feeling, but joy is the mine forever; despite the circumstance; despite my feelings; joy is mine, and no one can take it away. That was evident as my family gathered together to celebrate Kim’s life.  We definitely mourned our loss, yet when we’re together it is impossible for joy not to just seep (if not burst) out, it’s just something in our DNA that cannot and will not be squelched.  On that day, we definitely weren’t happy, but we sure were joyful. 

I’ve learned that in time, the raw, painful, stabbing pain of loss that takes one’s breath away is slowly replaced with the dull ache of acceptance.  Every day the light gets stronger and the darkness regresses.  I’ve learned that the memories of the ones who have gone remind us of happier times and compel us to continue with our everyday tasks which propel us forward even when we don’t feel like it.

I’ve learned that guilt is a time robber and joy stealer and I will NOT have anything to do with it.  My cousin was as sweet as maple syrup jacked-up on saccharin, but she was a little “director” too (a female family trait), and I know for a fact that if she knew that any of us were feeling guilty for enjoying life after her passing, she’d be really mad (and if any of my family members are reading this: you know it’s true!)! So in honor of her, I will enjoy life as much as I enjoy kicking guilt right in its backside!

I don’t have all the answers right now, but I might have a few more as time passes.  I don’t know if or how I can help my nephews with the loss of their mother, but I’m going to try.  I am at a loss at what life looks like from here on out without that sweet little piece of sunshine, but I will not allow darkness to win.  All I know is that I am blessed to have been a part of her life and that I’m going to make that little slice of her that is within me continue to live.  Now, more than ever I can be assured that there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the mo(u)rning. 

-Tessa L. Charles

Miles Apart with No Distance

Wow, coming home from the airport that late Tuesday afternoon almost 3 months ago felt great!  I've been so blessed to be able to experience the world, but the feeling of touching ground on my turf, breathing in this atmosphere that I call home, and seeing my beautiful family whom I haven't see in 3 months is definitely an irreplaceable feeling.  That feeling NEVER gets old.

I think one of the hardest things for me is being separated from my family.  I always know I'll see them again, and with technology these days, video chatting is also an option, but it's nowhere near the same.  First, there are my parents.  It's different being separated from them, no doubt I miss them so so much when we're not together, but I know that they let me go because they trust and support me.  They allow me to spread my wings and experience the world, while still always having a nest to come home to.  Then there are three of us siblings, we're all very close, and with the environment that we grew up in and the way our parents raised us, we grew up becoming not only siblings,  but best friends.

My sister moved out to Minnesota for a school internship which then turned into a job offer...aaaand about 8 years later I'm still waiting for her to move back!  The night before she left I remember getting upset and going to my room crying.  I was upset that she had gone to each one of my family members to talk and have the "see ya later" conversation,  everyone except me.   Then as she curled up with me, crying together, I found out that she was prolonging MY "goodbye" because it was going to be the hardest one.  This day I thought would change our family dynamics, one of us is actually leaving the nest.

Then there's my brother, my baby brother...who sometimes actually feels like my older brother.  A couple years ago I was offered a promotion, but it was out of state.  You would think that being single (at the time), getting promoted, being able to go live on my own, expenses paid, that I'd have my bags packed and waiting for me by the door, but this wasn't the case.  So many reasons weighed in my mind why I should stay, and having to leave my brother behind was definitely probably the hardest to wrap my mind around.

And now coming home after 3 months, I definitely got that "finally home" feeling, but still so bittersweet because now I'm home, but I left a piece of my heart back in Italy.  This time I was leaving my husband behind and won't see him physically for 3 months, this was something I was not looking forward to...at all! We've done the long distance thing for a lot of our relationship,  but it was different this time.  We've lived together as husband and wife, went on many adventures, had our daily routines and got to know each other more on a different level, it was so awesome and perfect!  He's the best husband I could have ever been blessed with, how could I ever imagine not being by his side??  Fortunately,  we are able to talk and video chat every day, which in our situation I'll happily take!

Besides those who are closest to my heart, there are still of course my friends and other family who I get separated from.  Through the years of being away from my love ones, whether it's me leaving or them, I've gotten more acclimated to the fact that my family and I are not always going to be together.  It's never going to get easier being away or having to say "see you later," but you get through those moments together.  If your relationship means that much to you, you can be thousands of miles apart with no distance between you at all.  You can disagree with each other's decisions while still being supportive of each other.  You can love someone so much, that being separated is a sacrifice, but it's a sacrifice that you make together.  If you're "leaving" to follow your heart or to chase a dream, make every moment count and live each experience to it's fullest...you won't regret the your decision.  I know for me, all those times I've left and moved back home...it's always been such a great experience that I wouldn't trade for the world.

My husband will be here in just a few more days and my sister will be arriving with her husband in just a few weeks...amazing feelings of anticipation are starting to swell in my throat.  And it's the same feeling I get coming back home to see my parents and my brother.  And if life pulls us apart geographically, this is a feeling I'll accept because I know it comes from love. There is definitely nothing better than being together again with the people you love.

Keep your relationships strong, and make them count.  Even if it's with only a few people or even just one, have that person to confide in and keep you grounded; or be that person for somebody else.  And those times you are apart, it can actually feel good knowing you have someone that is supporting you and waiting for you to come back.

Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

Kim

Yesterday my family and I lost my darling cousin, Kim.  It was very sudden and we’re all still in shock.  And so I’m asking for your indulgence in allowing me to honor the life of someone so dear to me today.  Actually, it’s not very much even “today” yet; it’s actually very, very early in the morning, however, my eyes keep spilling and any kind of “peaceful” slumber eludes me and so I’m taking this time to share my memories.

This beautiful girl was born exactly six months ahead of me.  As children she never let me forget it.  As adults, I never let her forget it! As children, we called her Kimi.  If we did that in front of her face after age 25 or so, she’d correct us and asked us to call her Kim (so behind her back, we referred to her as Kimi anyway).  As a child, she seemed to be sick a lot and so while we played tag and hide-and-seek outside, she’d enviously watch us through the window and smile and wave when permitted. As an adult, she out ran and out “fitnessed” all of the rest of us put together!

I remember before I could read, she would take the comics from my Grandfather’s newspaper and we’d lie on our bellies under the dining room table while she read Beatle Bailey to me using different voices and accents for each of the characters. Admiringly, I watched as her eyes scanned the paper and I thought she was so much smarter than me………she was.

When she turned 8 or 9, her family moved from a few doors down from my Grandparent’s house in the San Fernando Valley to San Diego and we didn’t see as much of each other until we learned to drive and even then, it was mostly during special occasions.  However, as we cousin’s started having each of our own families, we realized how special our early years had been together and we wanted the same for our children. We are blessed to share an Uncle and Aunt who wisely started a “Cousin’s Reunion” every summer in San Clemente for the past 15 +/- years and so now, not only do the “Cousins” get to share good times, but the “2nd Cousin"s get to as well.  None of us makes a lot of money, but we consider ourselves gloriously RICH for having such a legacy.

Had I known that last July was the last time I’d see my precious Kim, I think I would have told her how much I have always looked up to her; she would have got a kick out of that.  I would have told her how proud I am to be a part of her family.  I would have said I admire how her beautiful face exudes joy every time she enters a room and that I’ll never forget the sound of her laugh.  I would have praised her resilience and how freely she loves.  I would have applauded her unyielding, undying, unending, tenacious devotion to her 2 teenage boys, for I know that she is FIERCELY PROUD of them.  Lastly, I would have told her that I love her and I would have hugged her one last, long, lingering moment.  Then I would have kissed her a hundred times and then………..maybe then………I’d release her.

Kim, as hard as it’s going to be, I will release you.  I will release you because it’s better if you go.  But for tonight……and maybe even tomorrow night……and maybe for many nights to follow, I will still hold on to you tightly.  And when I’m finally able to fall asleep again, I will be dreaming that I’m giving you a hundred kisses.

-Tessa L. Charles

Always A Parent

Wow, raising a new puppy is tough work.  My family and I just got a new Labrador puppy about a month ago when he was just a little younger than 2 months.  We've had dogs before, but they've always been either outside dogs, a little older or already behaved (for the most part), so we didn't train them as intently as we are now with Broseppi, our new pup.  Who knew it would be so exhausting?

I'm not a parent to my own kids yet, but I imagine that this is just a tiny, tiny little taste of what it's going to be like.  While Broseppi is still little, this is when we want to instill and enforce all our values, we want to do everything we can to protect him.  We feel sad when we have to scold him, but we also take responsibility of making sure that we do.  We watch him grow and he keeps getting bigger and bigger each day, of course thinking that he is growing way too fast.  We get angry and frustrated when he does something bad, but we understand that he's still a puppy and learning.  We have to discipline ourselves so that he is disciplined, taking him for his vaccinations when he needs them, making sure he is clean, fed on a schedule and making sure he goes to the bathroom where he's supposed to.  We want to favor him all the time with toys and treats,  but we also teach him how to listen when we say "no."  We try to teach him new things everyday and feel like  proud parents when he learns; showing everyone his new tricks when we can. We were all sincerely concerned when he was sick for a few days and couldn't help but feel worried, and do everything we could to make sure he got better.  When taking care of a new life, there are no breaks.

Thank God for great parenting, huh?  Sometimes I feel nervous thinking that one day I will become a parent. I think about how it's going to be and if I'm going to do a good job.  I feel that if my husband and I can be half as amazing as my parents were to me and my siblings, then we'll be more than enough.

It's true, our behaviors and the way we grew up, our actions and how we are as adults, has a lot to do with how we were parented.  It's funny because sometimes when we're out with friends and we observe the actions of some people, my friend always says, "it's all about parenting."  I believe that we can directly shape the future of our society by the way kids are parented (or not parented).  Whether you are a biological parent or not, you can be a great influence for the younger generation around you.

Now, you don't have to go out and become a teacher or rush into becoming a parent, but if we are all aware of our words and actions, then we can be a sound example for those who need someone to look up to.  You can even be an example to other friends and family who aren't necessarily kids anymore.  I believe that you CAN "teach a dog new tricks," if they're willing to learn.  I don't know exactly where my future lies, if or how many kids I will have, but I know that I want to leave my mark somehow, and it's so exciting to know all the possibilities!

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

I Am Enough

This past weekend I went to a local park where a Family Festival was taking place.  I have attended this festival for the past 4 years or so but I have to say, this year had the most temperate weather; it wasn’t too hot and it was crystal clear.  As I perused the booths, there was one that caught my attention because the lady who was manning the booth (or is it womaning?!) had an ebullient demeanor.  She was selling jewelry that could be custom made by selecting different pendants consisting of inspiring words, colored beads, symbols etc.  As I looked at the selection, two silver little pendants caught my eye, one that said, “I am” and a larger one that said, “Enough”.  Unexpectedly, that little phrase touched something deep inside of me and I began to tear up.

After spending some time since the weekend I have realized why it touched me so.  And I know I am speaking this out for myself, but I also know I’m not alone.  I don't know how many times I’ve been attacked with the “ I’m Too’s” (I’m too ____________fat, old, dumb, short, ugly, loud, soft-spoken, confident, shy, poor, weak, forgetful, clingy, needy, sick, busy…..). Or the “I’m Not’s (I’m not _______________ (rich, tall, young, pretty, smart, worthy, good, healthy, well-spoken, strong, doing…..) enough.

Look at those two statements.  One means I’m too much, the other means I’m inadequate. If I believe those lies then………WHEN……AM I EVER……ENOUGH?

Here’s the answer.  I was intentionally put on this earth for a purpose.  I possess certain skills/gifts designed for that purpose.  So every day, every moment I AM ENOUGH.  I need to live/breathe/lavish/soak/drown in I am enough. I am enough for today.  I am enough right now.  I am enough.

I encourage you to make a physical list of the “I’m Too’s” and the” I’m Not’s” that you have believed about yourself and then speak out the opposite to yourself…….out loud…..in a mirror…….in the car during traffic…….anytime……….all the time!  Speak it out (I am NOT too _______!  I AM _________enough!), believe it and then tear up that list and never re-visit it again.  And when you know who you are, if someone tries to tell you who you AREN’T, you don’t have to believe them!  In fact, you WON’T believe them!  Which makes their lies impenetrable (example: “I may be too short to be a model right now, but I’m just the perfect height for encouraging people”)!

I am enough.  You are enough.  We are enough.

-Tessa L. Charles

The Paradox of Vulnerability

A week ago, I had a mammogram and the following day I had a physical, just the normal yearly check-ups, but boy, what a week!  If there are any times when a woman feels vulnerable, it’s during those particular appointments, if you’re a woman I’m sure you agree.

Recently I gave a lecture about vulnerability and the paradox of being vulnerable.  Now, I won’t bore you with the whole lecture, but I do want to present my case in a couple of ways and then leave you to “marinate” on your own (or you can comment below or email me at dailytlc@gmail.com and we can chat about it more if you choose).

Some of the definitions of vulnerability include: Without adequate protection; extremely susceptible – easily persuadable; physically or psychologically weak; open to attack.
So far, not great, right? But here’s my favorite definition: Liable to increased stakes – either higher penalties as well as bonuses.  Wait a minute!  Increased stakes?  So what I think that’s saying is that when we are willing to be vulnerable; to let our guard down; take a risk, we are opening ourselves up to penalties (something bad) or bonuses.  Now, a bonus to me means something more than what was expected – in a good way!

As I have stated before, I’m not a risk taker by nature.  I have lived a good portion of my life “playing it safe”.  I’ve never broken a bone, I’ve never been in a bad car accident (just a couple of fender benders), and I’ve never had to go to the emergency room except for a really bad strep infection, or to take someone else.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but I think I may have also limited myself to reaping some bonuses as well.  Bummer!

In recent years, I have stretched myself and done things that have scared me.  I’ve let myself be more vulnerable, susceptible, open to attack and I’ve survived.  More than that, I’ve triumphed because I learned that I’m stronger; bolder than I thought I was.  The paradox of vulnerability sometimes is that when we are weak, that’s our opportunity to become strong!

When we are vulnerable in our relationships it’s scary!  We know what it’s been like to be hurt in the past. It’s our nature to defend ourselves; to put up a wall to those who have hurt us, disappointed us, and/or denigrated us.  What’s vulnerable in those situations is to intentionally choose to love those people, open ourselves up to them and reap the bonus of a closer, intimate bond.  If they continually choose to hurt us, we can still choose to love them, but we don’t have to let them close until they change.  Usually, it’s the intentional love that will allow them to do just that. This is an easier task when we learn that we can only control our choices, and they can only control theirs.  This can only work when we know and STAND in our own identity as a strong, fearlessly loved and worthy person.

If you’re unsure of your identity, email me and we can have a conversation.

-Tessa L. Charles

Life Goes On...

 So,  I'm not a very big gambler, but my brother, some friends and I have been putting in a pool for this Super Mega Lottery or sometimes the Powerball one.  Just this past Tuesday, we all pooled in $5, took pictures of the our ticket numbers and sent them to each other.  Throughout the day we were all texting back and forth how we felt a winner in our hands.  So later on that evening when the results of the Super Mega Lottery came up, we found out that we didn't win.  I know the lottery is a very very veerryy long shot, but we did it for fun, in the hopes to win some money.  I don't think any of us were THAT upset or disappointed, but we did put ourselves in a position to be at least a little bummed, but right after my brother texts, "life goes on..." which got me thinking.

There are so many situations in our lives where we put ourselves at risk for disappointment.  I think that the majority of our day to day activities or even our big decisions in life put us at risk for disappointment.  But if these decisions put us at risk for disappointment, they also put us in positions of high rewards.  I mean, think about it, we're not going to put ourselves in "Lose/Lose" situations right?

 Being confidant enough in ourselves to take these steps, even if there is a risk of disappointment, can make us stronger and even more motivated.  The strength from these disappointments comes from knowing that "life goes on."  We have to believe that whatever situation we're in and wherever the outcome may lead us, that there is always hope: a feeling of trust; an expectation and desire of certainty; to expect with confidence. Having faith and confidence in ourselves, having hope and knowing that life goes on, gives us the ability to be happy everyday and accept our circumstances.  Now, accepting our circumstances and agreeing with them are two different things.  Accepting them doesn't mean that those circumstances are always right, and this doesn't mean that we just let them be, but we accept what happens and where we are now, and make the conscious decision of what we want to do next and where we want to be.  There aren't too many rewards without risks and we can't expect to move forward in our lives if we don't take steps in those directions.  We can't expect anything different of our lives if we stay complacent.
   
When we decide to date someone or decide to put our all into a potential relationship, when we decide we want to sustain our relationships, when we invest in a business, when we make a career choice, when we choose to go to college or not to go, when we decide to get married and/or have a baby, when we do a presentation, take an exam, buy cable, open a credit card, eat a bowl of ice cream, play the lottery, etc. etc. etc...when life takes us in all of these different directions and we have to make decisions for ourselves, for others, or for our families, don't be afraid to take these risks.  But make sure to weigh your options and know the circumstances, and when you're ready to take that step, in whichever direction you decide to go, be confident in yourself to make the right decisions and remember that no matter what happens, life goes on.

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

Balancing Act

Last week I started school again and I’m finding it a challenge to transition from busy to busier.  It’s clear that I’m going to have to re-prioritize my life for the next 10 weeks, but I’m excited to be back in the learning mode once again.

I am blessed to have the support of friends and family to lift me up in this new transition (I have just started at a new university and have gone from semester system to quarter system – yikes!) and with the help of the head of the academic department in my field, I’m praying a graduation will be occurring this coming summer.

I know all of us have our priority challenges and I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one being kept up at night with the running list of things I need to get done before my real (or imagined) deadlines, or with trying to figure out which requests I need to say no to. 

The balancing act gets overwhelming at times, but here are a few things I try to remember: I have authority over my own life and I will do what I can, when I am able.  I will say no to things that are lowest on my priority list if I don’t have time for them and I will NOT feel blame, shame or guilt when I do so.  I will delegate if possible and when I do, I will do so fully, and not try to covertly control the person to whom I delegate.  And if that person doesn’t do the task exactly how I want, I won’t stress.  If that person fails, I will not accept that failure as my own, I will just re-adjust.  I can only control me.

Coincidently, to fulfill a science course, I’m taking a stress management class, so I’ll let you know what I learn! If you’ve got any tips to share, do so in the comment box below or you can post on dailytlc@gmail.com.  Thanks!

-Tessa L. Charles

Everything Fried!!

Okay, this might start sounding like a food critics blog, but after last night, I can't help it.  How did fried food become such a popular treat in our country?  Okay, I know anything fried can be good, if done properly, but it's getting overwhelmingly high in demand.  I went to the LA Country Fair yesterday and the majority of the food that was being sold was fried.  They had Fried Ribs, Fried Avocado, Fried Pickles, Fried Cheesecake, Fried Cupcakes, Fried Twinkies, Fried Oreos, Fried Candy Bars, etc, etc, etc...everything battered and fried!!

I do have to admit, because I haven't gone to the fair in over 15 years, I did want to see what all the hype was about.  I caught myself saying, "I have to at least try some kind of fried dessert before we leave"...I ended up getting the deep fried twinkie, and I have to say, I was not impressed at all.  Earlier in the evening we also tried the fried avocado, probably wouldn't get that again either.  It may sound bad, but we all shared!  Now having this experience made me wonder why all this fried food hype is even a hype at all.  The batter wasn't seasoned, it wasn't crispy, the inside was warm, but also very underwhelming.  I have to say, eating fried food at the fair is not worth the prices, waiting in line, or the calories.

During the night, knowing I wanted to try some of the wonderful things that I kept hearing about, I kept telling myself that I can start my diet tomorrow, or Monday.  Why do we sometimes push our goals aside to hop on a trend that may be the complete opposite of what we're trying to achieve?  I've been thinking about starting my diet or actually this new healthy lifestyle, but instead I go to the fair and eat fried food??   I mean, don't get me wrong, I do get it, I get the attraction, fried food tastes good, but it has to be in extreme moderation.  And I know sometimes we can't help but get sucked in, but like my last blog, it takes discipline. Don't get me wrong, I'll most likely have fried food again, but maybe cook it myself next time.  But I do love eating good, healthy food, some of my favorite things to eat are grilled veggies, roasted meats and salads.  I also like cooking my own food, knowing and controlling exactly what I put in it, but it does take a lot of self control to eat healthy constantly...especially living here in Southern California.

Living in Italy, I couldn't help but eat healthy; their idea of fast food is fresh, hand tossed pizza, or a quick panini with fresh ingredients, and fresh bread.  There are no drive through fast food places, except for McDonald's, but even those are maybe 1 every 30 miles...if that.  They have no fried chicken places either.  A lot of people don't even have microwaves in their homes because all their meals are made fresh.  And plus you stay active, riding bikes and/or using public transportation and walking.  They're in a healthy living epidemic and they don't even know it.

I'm not knocking the fair or fried foods in general...all I'm saying is that we/I need to be aware of what I put in my body.  And also being aware of what trends are worth jumping on.  It goes back to the old saying..."Just because someone jumps off a bridge, would you?"  There are people that do live this to the extreme, which is perfectly fine...but I'd like to try a more balanced approach...everything in moderation. Aaaand it also helps to throw in some physical activity of course!  If you want to try this, healthy recipes and weekly physical activities, let me know...we can do it together!

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

You're Captivating

A few years ago a newly married friend of mine was asked when she was planning on starting her family. Knowing about her close-knit upbringing I was surprised by her answer which was she didn’t know if she wanted to have kids because no matter how well people raised their kids, one can never guarantee they would end up being upright individuals.  In her estimation, “there were just so many things that might go wrong.”  Not to say that I don’t understand the fear (which at its root was: am I going to be a good parent? And, what if my child turns out to be a disappointment?), but sometimes dwelling on that fear is the exact thing that ends up coming to fruition.

Let me put it another way.  In my early teen years, my Dad took my brother and me on a ski trip during one of our school breaks.  My Dad is tall and very coordinated, but at the time he was heavy, so he had his challenges skiing, which is what I think made him more determined to learn.  On one run, he wanted to test the “ungroomed” snow and went a bit off trail.  Following behind him, my brother and I tried to warn him as we watched him head towards a tree.   Just before he hit, he fell headfirst into a thick embankment.  We couldn’t help laughing because his head was stuck in the snow, yet his ample back side and legs were sticking out and up in the air and he couldn’t seem to get out.  After he did so, he shook off the snow and we asked him why he didn’t just turn when he saw the tree looming.  He said, “I tried!  But the more I looked at the tree, the more I couldn’t seem to change directions!”

If you’ve been following my blog for some time, you’ve probably read these words, “take captive your thoughts”.  What I mean by this is, when negative thoughts or fears start you on a spiraling journey making you angry, bitter, hopeless, worrisome, or even depressed, it is incumbent on you to step back a moment, take hold of those thoughts and change your focus.  It sounds like it might be difficult, but it’s not, all it takes is practice.  The main thing is to remember your identity, that’s key, and if that means writing your identity down, then do so.

I like starting off by listing the things I’m good at (I’m a good mother; I’m a good friend; I’m good at finding a bargain….).  Then maybe writing down the things I’m passionate about (I fiercely love my kids; I love spending time with my friends; I enjoy finding the perfect gift for people….).  Finally, I write down my “I Am “ statement (I am loving; I am an encourager; I am smart; I am beautiful; I am of sound mind……).

So when the negative thoughts come around I am prepared:

1) Recognize-“Hey, these thoughts are making me feel bad, and I know better!  Let me take a time out.
2) Identify – “Ok, right now I’m feeling worried/poor/deprived/hopeless because I am (for example) looking at my bills vs. my income.”
3) Change your mind – “What if I’m NOT poor?  What if I just need to make better budget choices?”
4) Action – “I am going to look at my spending habits and because I’m smart and of sound mind, I will make a better plan.”
5) Reinforce – “I can do this because I am so smart, intelligent, clever, efficient, creative……”
6) Predict – “I am rich, generous, giving, grateful……” This is important!  Call into “now” what isn’t …..…yet!  The sooner you focus on it, the sooner it’ll come.  Like my Dad’s experience, the more you look at something, the harder it is to change directions.  In his case, it would have been better if he had focused on the area just a few feet to the left of the tree instead of focused ON the tree!  Remember to focus on the positive, not the negative!

Read your “I Am” statement from time to time and update as necessary.  You can do this.  Do it and learn to be captivating!!!!

-Tessa L. Charles

It's Game Time!

Are you doing anything in your life that you love so much, you have to be extremely disciplined to do it?  I'm not the biggest sports enthusiast, but when my dad and brother are watching, I do catch a few games.  The other day we were watching a football game and it was maybe 100 degrees outside.  And instead of actually watching the game,  I was watching how hard they were playing and thinking how disciplined and dedicated they must be; all geared up with I'm sure a few pounds of padding and other a stuff and wearing a helmet, in 100 degree weather, while playing their hearts out like it was their first or last game.  I was so impressed with the dedication and discipline these guys had, I started to think if there was anything in my life that I put as much into.

Okay, you don't have to be a football player playing in 100 degree weather to realize your dedication and discipline for something you are passionate about.  I watch my brother studying day and night, waking up early, going to bed late, and skipping out on some things because he wants to finish studying, or writing a paper or a sermon, whatever it is, he lets his passion guide him.  And when there are times that he chooses to hang out, knowing he has a paper due, that's even more discipline to stay up a little later or wake up earlier. I love watching the dedication that he has for a dream that he is passionate about, it's so inspiring to me and so many other people.  He knows what he wants and he's going after it, he knows the benefits of his future if he disciplines himself now.  And there is also my sister who had dedicated herself to living away from home, away from friends and family to follow her heart and her passion.  She has now built a great life for herself, married to the man she loves and still dedicated to her career that drove her to where she is today.  I admire her strength and love how in love she gets with what she's passionate about, she is also such an inspiration of discipline and dedication.

The dedication that you have doesn't have to be towards one specific dream or goal that drives you...you can be passionate about your life in general, living with a heart to dedicate yourself in anything that you do. Maybe you don't give everything your all, 100%, but in everything that you do, if you find the discipline to follow through, the outcome will be that much sweeter and you'll have a great feeling of accomplishment.

Maybe you play a sport, or you're training for a marathon, or training a new pet; maybe you're a chef or even a cook working long hours in a hot kitchen, managing a business, raising a family, a student, interning, in your career, in a new relationship, just married, married for years, in an "in between" job; whatever you're doing or whatever position you're in, there is always a need to discipline and dedicate yourself.  In some areas of your life, you may find things more difficult, and some things you may find and realize your natural passion for.  Whatever it is, find it's worth and let yourself be dedicated.

Sometimes your situation may find you in a difficult spot, you may need to put your "game face on" or have that "game time" mentality, in any case, let your heart and your passion guide you towards your goal or maybe even just your next step .  Don't ever be discouraged if something doesn't work out, or things aren't going according to your plan, or if you ever think you're missing out in life; if you're doing something from the heart,  whether it's ideal or not, be proud of yourself and feel accomplished.  Don't feel like "your life is over" because one thing didn't work out.  Know that you have so much going for you, and you will always recover if you let yourself.  Give worth to all that do, follow your heart and find something that your are passionate about.  Live your life in "game time" and let your passion drive you.

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

Book, Chapter and Verse

When I was very young I thought that reading was magical.  When my mom read to me, I was amazed that ink scribbled on paper could be combined in such a way they could be read with eyes, uttered by mouth, translated into sound, heard by my ears and in my mind’s eye, “paint” a picture and evoke feelings as a story would evolve.  I wanted nothing more than to learn to read and make that magic happen for myself…..and ASAP!  I remember memorizing books, page by page so that I could “read” to my Dad when he came home.

I couldn’t wait to go to school because that’s where I’d learn to read.  One day my Mom drove to an elementary school to find out when they started but when came back a few minutes later, she told me that I couldn’t go to that school for a whole year because my birthday is in the middle of December (I thought, “What did my birthday have to do with anything?”).  I was heartbroken.  So she enrolled me in the neighborhood kindergarten instead.  I was so happy to be going to school with the prospect of FINALLY learning to read only to find out during the first week of school that the only thing we were going to learn was our ABC’s!  I was FURIOUS!!  I told my teacher on the fourth day, when we were receiving our mini-donut (“D” for donut!) that I already knew my ABC’s (HELLO!?!?!), hoping she’d put me in the place where there was reading being taught!  She just shrugged and said, “Well, that’s great”.

When I finally reached first grade (you know, when a kid is almost 6 years old, waiting a whole YEAR is a huge chunk of lifetime!), I was so desperate to read I learned as fast as I could, and even snuck the reader book home and read ahead (both of which were specifically NOT allowed) and quickly advanced to the top reading group in the class.  One day, our teacher was helping the slower reading group (the “Orange” group), so she told those of us in the “Blue” group to read to ourselves.  Read to ourselves???? What?!  Luckily one of the other kids asked how that was done and my teacher told us it was like reading out loud, but without moving our lips or saying the words out loud.  Wow!!!! I didn’t know that was possible!!!  But I tried it and from that moment on, I was a reading maniac!

When I got older, my love for reading also expanded to my fondness for writing, hence, this blog.  But what I wanted to write about today is writing our own book.  The book I’m talking about is not literal or tangible; the book I’m talking about is a representation of the story of our lives.  I heard someone say that our lives are like a book and every day we get to write a verse or a chapter.  I really like the idea of being an author because as such, I get to write my own story and I have total control.  As the author I get to tell the story I want.  I get to choose to between a good decision and a bad one and even if I happen to make a bad choice, I can always choose to re-write that decision to have a positive outcome and learn from it.  I get to choose the ending to every situation!  I can choose to close a chapter when I believe I’m finished with it and I can even choose to write a whole new book!  I can write all kinds of books from action/adventure, fiction, non-fiction, romance, heck, I can choose to write a whole library of books!  Furthermore, I can choose to lend the “books” to others, hoping they’ll learn from them (or at least be entertained by them!).  I am the author of my life, I get to CHOOSE!

You are the author of your own book.  You get to choose.  You are in control.  Care to share your story?

-Tessa L. Charles

COM(with a)PROMISE

“My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

Too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Should have gave all my hours when I had the chance
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby is dancing, but she's dancing with another man.”

It’s funny because when I heard this song on the radio and actually listened to the lyrics, I was with my cousin and we kept laughing about it.  We were laughing because we kept saying, “oh, what an idiot.”  Of course we were saying it jokingly, because we all know that in reality, situations like this really happen. 

A lot of people end up in relationships and get so uncomfortably comfortable that things start to feel stagnant.  And if we don’t communicate this with one another, one or both will feel unloved and want out.  Now, unlike this song, we don’t have to expect flowers all the time, we don’t need to hold hands every second, we don’t NEED a lot of things, but what we do NEED from each other is constant love, respect and some kind of genuine affection, however you may show it. 

Being that I’ve been in a few relationships throughout my years and now being married, I’ve learned that being in a relationship means getting to know each other and understanding each other, even if we don’t agree.  I’ve learned and am still learning what I want, need and deserve in a relationship and now I’m also learning all those of my husband as well; this way I can reciprocate the very best I can.

Also, unlike the person in this song, instead of passing up opportunities to show my affection, to then regret my decisions later,  I’ve learned that one of the more important aspects to grasp in a relationship is compromise.  When you agree to be in relationship with someone, whether it is with a significant other, family or friends, you have to learn to compromise…you COM(with a)PROMISE and vice versa.  When you compromise, you are coming with a promise to realize that it’s not always about what you think or what you want or what you need or what you want to do or don’t want to do, it goes both ways. 

I’ve learned so much about compromise from my parents.  Whenever I see them together and observe the kind of relationship they have, I know it IS the kind of relationship I want.  I think they have definitely mastered the art of communication and compromise and made the choice to love each other no matter what.

Although they were raised completely differently, and their ways of life weren’t always the same, by making the early decision to choose to love each other they were committed to COM(with a)PROMISE.  It didn’t matter where they lived, where they worked, if they had kids or not, they worked everything out together.  If they had opposite schedules or completely different interests, they still did what they loved, but in the end always made things work.  They have their ways of showing each other love, respect and affection without smothering one another.  They’ve learned to give each other space to do their own things, but always support each other through everything.  And to this day, they have learned to sustain a healthy social life, maintain a happy home, raise 3 kids, while still keeping their romance alive.  They always tell each other "I Love You," they still leave notes for each other, my dad leaves messages on their bathroom mirror with toothpaste, constantly calling my mom beautiful and actively loving her, while my mom reciprocates her love by respecting his words, actions and decisions, constantly showing him affection and making him laugh.  They hold hands, dance together, laugh together, eat together, pray together, and never take each other for granted.

You can get to the point where your relationship is completely comfortable, when you can do anything, everything and nothing with another and it’s perfectly fine, but this doesn’t mean that it should go stagnant.  Keep it exciting, always communicate and don’t stop compromising.  Decide you are in this together and if you know your partner wants flowers, buy some flowers (occasionally);  if he/she wants to hold your hand, then hold it;  if your love needs your time, make some;  if your partner wants to dance, dance…and remember that this goes both ways, but sometimes it just needs a little boost of communication.  

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

A Very Tale

I like writing stories.  Here is a short story I recently wrote and told in front of an audience.  I hope you enjoy it:

Once upon a time there was a young bride and groom who went to the seaside for their honeymoon. They spent their mornings walking on the pristine sands of the seashore, their sunsets in awed silence and their starry nights talking about their plans for the future.

The groom was thoroughly enthralled with his bride and considered himself brilliant for marrying the most beautiful woman he had ever encountered.  The bride adored her groom and considered herself blessed to have selected a man with such strength and integrity as well as tender loving kindness.

One beautiful sunny morning after a late breakfast, they decided to take a walk in the small village near their villa.  Unrushed they casually strolled into and out of several little shops admiring antiques in one and clothing in another.  As they passed a jewelry store, the bride stopped dead in her tracks. A sparkly necklace caught her eye as well as her breath.  

“Ohhh!  Isn’t that beautiful?” she exclaimed.  

“It really is” replied her groom.  

“Oh, look at the color!  I LOVE it!  It’s so perfect, isn’t it? I wonder how much it costs.  Probably a lot, you know these little shops in touristy locations” she said as she craned her neck this way and that to try to get a glimpse at the price on the miniscule tag.

All of a sudden the sales lady inside the store snatched the necklace from out of the window.  Slightly indignant, the bride turned toward her husband only to find him gone from her side.  “Where could he have gone?” she thought to herself as she turned herself around looking for him.  Out of the corner of her eye she immediately caught sight of the color of his shirt……. He was INSIDE THE STORE!
“He’s buying it for me!” the bride gasped.

She ran into the shop to find her groom at the sales counter, wallet opened and a credit card at the end of his outstretched hand.  He placed the necklace around her neck as she beamed, “Thank you!” 

“It was too beautiful to pass up” he replied.

And as they walked out of the store hand in hand, her head on his shoulder, he smilingly said, 
“If you want the matching earrings, I think you’re on your own.”

I enjoy true love stories, I think many women do.  The young bride in the story reminds me of how when women are able to trust and free to love, they will adore their true love.  The young groom demonstrates his love for his beautiful bride by fulfilling her every desire, before she even asks.  In fact, he would give his life for his bride without her asking.
 
I hope you found this story I made up inspiring and that it touches your romantic side………only, I’m lying. It’s not a fairy tale or a made up story.  It is a true story.  I saw it play out with my own eyes this summer and it was probably the most romantic thing I have ever witnessed. Furthermore, the young bride and groom portrayed in the story are not newlyweds, but have been married for over 48 years!

In a world where negative stories and get so much attention and where frivolous, narcissistic individuals earn “livings” by showcasing their “realities”, it makes me proud to know and pass on a TRUE story about a love that has lasted through bad times and good with people who have learned (and still continue to learn) how to love each another on purpose.  They have repeatedly admitted to me that it has not been easy, but as far as their marriage goes, they have been and are intentional.  They are a role model for all.

Please feel free to share a true love story.  You may comment below or email me at: dailytlc@gmail.com and I will post your story.  We love inspiring stories and we love the idea of counteracting all the negative stories with positive ones..........so we can live happily ever after.

-Tessa L. Charles

Dress To Impress...Who?

As women, or I guess this can apply to men as well, who do we try to look good for?  When we are getting ready in the morning, picking our nice clothes, putting on make-up, fixing our hair, who are we trying to impress?  Are we fixing ourselves up for us, or our we doing it for other people?  I know there is a difference when we're going into a professional setting, but I'm talking about our every day lives, just leaving the house.

I had a great conversation with my sister and one of my best friends, it went in the direction of looking good for "our men," and about how comfortable women are in their own skin in front of their husbands, or guys that may potentially be in their lives.  It was interesting to talk about our different perspectives, with my sister being married for years, myself being married just a few months, and my friend in the dating world; even with different perspectives,  our take on this wasn't so far off from each other.

In high school I remember my friends and me going boy crazy, trying to look good all the time, comparing ourselves with other girls, and loving the attention we got from the boys.  But is this the attention I needed or wanted?  Later on discovering myself more, I got my answers...I was loving myself depending on others opinions, instead of loving myself for me.  Growing up I may not have been the most secure person, and speaking with my sister, friend and other woman, we realized that there are many women who feel or have felt the same.  Because I was very outgoing and thought I didn't care what other people thought, it took a while for me to realize and admit that maybe I was insecure.  But it led me to learn how much I am worth, and how much I am deserving of love and respect, and how beautiful I am inside and out, just the way I am. I realized that I was created to be royal, to be accepted and to be loved, and that I shouldn't settle for less.

After overcoming those obstacles of insecurity growing up, those times that I do like to dress up and look good, I now do it initially for me.  I love to pamper myself and look good, because it makes ME feel great, like a lady.  When we do dress up, put on make-up, pamper ourselves, pick the nice outfits, we should do it because we want to, not because we'd feel judged if we didn't.  I know for me, when I like to look good for my husband it's because I want to, not because he needs me to.  I know that he likes when I take care of myself and when I get all "dolled up," but he nevers asks me to, that's almost the reason why I do it, knowing he'll love me no matter what; it almost makes want to look good for him because it isn't a requirement.  I love that I can be comfortable in my relationship where I can be around him with no make-up on and my hair tied up.  Most of the time when my husband calls me beautiful, it is first thing in the morning, when I first wake up; it's at those times when I think I look my worst, he calls me beautiful.  It is a great feeling knowing that I can be my complete and true self around this man who I intend to spend the rest of my life with.  I love all the things we are learning about each other every day, and I love even more that we have already learned to respect each other and be completely comfortable and open with each other through our words, actions, and appearance.

It is important to be comfortable in your own skin, be confident of who you are, realize your worth and make sure that the person you're with and the people around you know that.  Don't let people judge you and your character and let others love you with no make-up on. Don't settle for less than you're worth...which is A LOT!!

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

SHE-roes

Comic book writers, put down your pens.  Your super hero comes masked with mud, and uniformed in yoga pants.  With one hand she catches falling objects faster than a speeding bullet, leaps tall (Lego) buildings in a single bound.  This “hoodied” caped crusader is stronger than any known mortal man, defeating the dastardly enemy, “Burnt Crock Pot” with her superhuman strength and a scrub brush.  She alone dusts overlooked crevices detected by her super bionic eyes.

Scientists, get your noses out of those books on relativity!  Albert Einstein ain’t got nothin’ on this genius! She alone can discern when the trash is full, what meals can be assembled with minimal ingredients and how to make a grocery list on a budget (that doesn’t take smarts, you say?  Really?  Then why didn’t you think of it?!).

Ninja Warriors, you’re silent machinations are nothing compared to the invisibility of this Unknown Soldier. Unnoticed she moves about her territory putting way discarded clothes, read books, dirty dishes and who knows what else (how would anyone even notice?  She’s that stealthy!!)?  Undetected, she completes tasks no one else thinks to accomplish or ever recognizes!

War Generals, if you would only put down your weapons of destruction down for 2 minutes and actually listen to representatives of half of the population you’d probably find peaceful ways to negotiate.

World Leaders, if you would stop talking for a moment and apply the budgetary methods that these everyday economists use, our countries would likely be debt-free.

Mr. President, you think your job is thankless?

Looking for a super hero to solve all the world’s problems?  Stop going to the movies, lift up your eyes and RECOGNIZE!!  Your HERO is standing right in front of you asking you to pick up your stinky socks.

-Tessa L. Charles (alias: Woman)

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Have you heard it said, “You can’t help who you fall in love with”; or the excuse, “I couldn’t help myself”; or the claim, “So-and-so made me do it”?  Have you said one or all of those things yourself?  I know I have. What I’m learning is that all those statements are bunk!

We all have free will and all those statements are lies because you do decide with whom you fall in love with, you can make a different choice and unless someone is holding a gun to your head, no one can make you do anything (even if someone is holding a gun to your head, you still have a choice I suppose).

When positive or negative circumstances happen to us it is a direct or even indirect result of a choice of our own and/or of someone else or even a combination therein.  Think of something “random” that has happened to you, negative or positive, and think of all the decisions that needed to take place for that to happen just the way it did.

We are accountable to our own actions and sometimes we suffer from the actions of others.  It may not be fair, but remember, sometimes other people suffer (or even benefit) from the consequences from the decisions we make as well.   What I’m not saying is that we need to take the blame (shame, guilt etc.) for our past choices or place the blame (shame, guilt etc.) on anyone else.  Regret is a time thief and does nothing to change the outcome of any given circumstance.  But that doesn’t prevent us from learning and gaining wisdom from our decisions of the past to benefit the future.

Realizing that we all are accountable for our decisions as well as free to make our own decisions helps us to understand our own individual power.  Therefore, we can conclude that everyone else is just as powerful as us.   Since everyone is just as powerful, we need to recognize that the only person we can control is ourselves and that’s especially true in our closest relationships.  Remember, love is a choice and we can choose to love someone even when they are not acting particularly loving towards us.  We are also free to choose not to love them anymore, but then we can’t turn around and tell others it was their fault when the relationship ends because it was our choice to end it.  We are free to choose to forgive people……or not. We are free to allow others to make unwise choices, and we are even free to offer them help……but then they are also free to accept the help or not, but that is because it is a matter of choice.

There is a good book about this subject which I am in the middle of reading.  It is called, Keep Your Love On: Connection Communication and Boundaries, by Danny Silk and it has shown me how powerless I have been behaving all my life.  I am involved with a women’s group which is actually studying this book and if you’re in the Walnut, CA area and are interested in joining us, email me at dailytlc@gmail.com and I’ll give you the details.  If you have children there is a book by the same author called, Loving Our Kids On Purpose: Making A Heart-To-Heart Connection which includes practical actions for raising children who are powerful and have self-control.  I have even started using some methods on my own sons who are 16 and 20 because it’s never too late!

We are powerful.  We are free.  I’m just learning a bit at a time what that means so won’t you join me in practicing all that freedom has to offer?

-Tessa L. Charles

Siesta Time

Growing up in Southern California I've been used to living in a hustle and bustle kind of environment.  Since I was younger I remember my days consisting of waking up early,  going to school, then coming home to start my homework or a lesson of some kind.   Whether is was baton class, hula lessons, piano lessons, or some other kind of lesson, it was something.  All this while still fitting in all of our meals and learning all the values and morals that my parents taught us daily. As I got older my days didn't get any simpler.  The days still felt too short, from morning classes, night classes, to working full time, running errands, while still trying to fit in fun time with friends and family.  It got so exhausting, I didn't even have time to process how tired I was.

When I went to work in Italy back in 2010, I realized how essential taking breaks were.  Because I came from a life in Southern California,  I couldn't imagine taking a break in the middle of the day to do nothing but eat lunch, rest and relax.  Most of the people I've met while in Italy are such hard workers and take pride in doing good, going to work, and even having a job to begin with.  But I realized from them how important it is to take a break.  I know not ALL places close down all over Italy, but at least from what I have experienced in the smaller towns and cities, maybe less than a handful of places stay open and everyone actually leaves to take a break.  For different establishments the times may vary, but for the most part everything is closed between 1pm to about 3pm; this includes restaurants,  cafés,  banks, grocery stores, and pretty much every other business.  This means during these times, you go home to your family, have lunch, rest, relax, play, have family time, etc..  Maybe you might go to that one café that is open, to sit, relax, have an espresso and just rest, but you didn't use your break time to keep working, to run errands or as time to travel to your next chore.

Living in Italy this time with my husband,  I absolutely LOVED this time of the day.  I loved the feeling that I got every time he came home.  Unless he had to work in a different city a little farther away, we got to have lunch together and have our time together between all the distractions of life.  And those times he couldn't come home I knew I didn't have to think about running errands or anything.  I think that even if I was by myself, the atmosphere changed knowing that I'm deserving of this time to rest, play and relax.

I really encourage you to take a break in the middle of your day.  Take some time to really eat and enjoy your lunch, rest, relax, play, etc., anything to take you away and distract you from what you're doing or what you feel you need to get done.  It can really set the tone of how the rest of your day goes.  I know I can choose to rush through lunch or work through those hours to get out faster, but try actually taking a break during your break times, all work and distractions left behind; I think it will make a difference on the rest of your day.  I know sometimes it doesn't feel like there is enough hours in a day to do this without being stressed out, or worrying that you didn't get everything done, but there is enough time if you give yourself that time.

Try it out, even if it isn't every day...but make a conscious effort to take a real break in your day, we all need it.

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini  

Deal With It!

After many months of ignoring the pain and swelling of ingrown toenails, my youngest finally relented to have me take him to get a pedicure a few days ago.  I purposely took him at a time when the salon was going to be the least busy in order for him to receive an adequate amount of attention from the technician.

And so as the technician began, she had to firmly hold the part of his toe that was most sensitive and infected before she began excising the offending toenail.  I will not get graphic, but it was not a pretty process. Suffice it to say, there was a good amount of teeth clenching, perspiration and stifled groans going on……and that just was ME, so you can imagine what HE was going through!

It was obvious the technician was not comfortable causing my son so much pain, but to her credit, she knew that if she didn’t perform a thorough job, it would cause even more trouble for her client in the long run, so she kept at it until she was through.  After over 30 minutes, everyone breathed a sigh of relief when she had finished.  And though he was exhausted and quite sore, my son actually hugged the technician because he immediately felt the relief from what was causing the pain.  Before we left, they reminded him that he must come in once a month for maintenance so his toes would not get that bad ever again.

This episode was an ugly, painful reminder to me of the issues in my life that cause me pain and when I ignore the symptoms too long I become chronically infected and intolerable.  To deal with the issue sometimes requires someone else’s expertise and/or insight to help locate and excise it.  Yes, it is painful and sensitive to the touch at first, but if the source of the pain is not completely eradicated it will cause even more trouble for me.  After the process is completed, I may be left exhausted and sore to the touch, but I can be assured that I will immediately feel the relief of the root of the issue being gone.  I must remember, however, without frequent maintenance, the issue may come back.

I am no different than anyone else.  I sometimes have a fear of pain.  I don’t always like facing my “issues”. But when I have been brave enough to do so, I have very seldom, if ever, regretted it.

Today, I bless each of us with the courage to face our issues and the strength and persistence to deal with the pain to fully excise it before we become immobile.  Be freed!  Then become the “technician” in that area to free someone else!

Please feel free to leave a comment and if for some reason you’re finding yourself unable to leave a message in the box below, just email your comment to dailytlc@gmail.com and I’ll post your comment myself. Thanks!

-Tessa L. Charles

I LOVE Rush Hour Traffic

While I was in Italy the past 3 months, I didnt drive at all. The public transportation over there is so convenient.  We were able to walk, take the bus or ride the train everywhere, it was so humbling and relaxing.  Now being back to Southern California for a little over a week now, I barely made my way back behind the wheel 2 days ago.  Today I picked up my niece and goddaughter and headed to help my cousin move.  As we hit traffic, my 7 year old goddaughter started explaining how she doesn't like traffic and that she wants to "get there already".   This took me back about 4 years ago when I started to love getting stuck in rush hour traffic.

About four years ago is when I finally decided what career I wanted to go into, I got so excited and motivated I couldn't wait to graduate and finally live my dream.  When I started my core classes, I was going to college full time, working just about full time, going to ministry school, involved in church activities about 4 days a week or more, including band practice, studying, working on presentations and doing homework every chance I got, while still trying to spend time with my friends and family.  During this time I spread myself so thin I barely had time for myself.  Just finding some "me time" to relax or even time to do nothing was close to impossible.  My day consisted of rushing from one thing to the next, and getting stressed out while stuck in traffic trying to get there.  Then one day in traffic as I was leaving work to get to my night class, it hit me...THIS is MY time!

From then on I learned to LOVE being stuck in traffic because that was the time I had to myself.  I was able to relax, listen to music, pray, sing, think, etc..  This was the time I let all the craziness of my life take a back seat and enjoy the solitude,  no deadlines and no distractions.

I know this grown up life comes and goes, we rush from one thing to the next, we are constantly in search of something better and greater, this life comes with so many responsibilities, we take on different roles and different levels of stress that we just can't control, but I know that there are pockets in our days that we can take advantage of.  Take advantage of those times that you can enjoy and have "me time," even if it happens to be when you're stuck in traffic for 2 hours, or maybe when you have to stop to fold a pile of laundry, or do a sink of dishes, etc.  Try looking at these things in a different way where you can enjoy that time to yourself, relax and "do you."

Enjoy!

-Rubi Anne Dijamco Agostini

Heartstrings

Last May, my high school classmates and I enjoyed a reunion and 4 of us ladies who were helping out with the planning decided to go on a weekend trip to reconnect.  This last weekend was that weekend and I have to say, it was good to be able to laugh, cry, relax, laugh, shop, eat and laugh some more with a group of gals, one I’ve known since pre-school, the other two since grade school.  We all went to the same schools until our 2nd year of college where our paths diverged, but we went to each other’s weddings, baby showers and kid’s birthday parties.  Most of us have been touched by divorce and illness, and all of us are blessed enough to have our parents still with us.

We marveled at the things that have not changed (one of us still has a relentless sweet tooth) as well as the things that have (we could open a mini-pharmacy between us as well as an optometry practice!).  We teased each other’s foibles, laughed at each other’s jokes, cried with each other’s heartaches, encouraged each other’s strengths, downplayed each other’s faults and prayed for each other’s concerns.

I may not have a lot of money, but I am the richest woman I know!  I have been blessed with an amazing family of friends. I know unequivocally that the people that have been favored to me throughout my life are the people who always have my back, I hope they know that I have theirs as well.
My simple message today is to encourage us to make serious efforts to keep in touch with the friends that we have been blessed with.  It’s so very easy to let friendships fall to the wayside especially with those who are not easily within our daily circles, but at the same time, social media has made it easier so our excuses are becoming less acceptable.

People are placed in our lives for a reason; in other words, our friends are not accidental.  I’m not saying that every person we’ve been friends with is a good influence, but sometimes a bad influence can help us identify some weakness in ourselves to help us recognize and to overcome.

In the next few weeks, I challenge each one of us to make a concerted effort to get in touch and reach out to our friends.  Drop a line, call, text, email, Face Book, Tweet whatever, just make an effort.  Strengthen those heartstrings that keep us all from living a detached, routine, robotic life.   Let’s spend some time enjoying the bounty of our riches.

-Tessa L. Charles

Under the Influence

I've grown up to be the person I am today because of the people that surround me.  Sometimes you think that you're your own person, an individual who makes decisions all on your own, without realizing that you are influenced by those around you, but are you?

Maybe when I was younger I wasn't ALWAYS surrounding myself with the best influences, but I learned and feel that I always made the conscious effort to choose my direction after that.  I've realized how much strength it takes to be your own person, but also realized that it is THAT much simpler if you surround yourself with people that can help you get there.

If you're a family person who knows you want to start your own  family some day, surround yourself with healthy families, people who are great parents who can help teach you great values and morals; if you want to find success in your career, surround yourself with people who have already done so and learn from their example and dedication; if you want to build your faith and spirituality,  surround yourself with people who are strong in their faith, who can teach you how to get through this world with people who don't understand.

You see, surrounding yourself with these people initially and discovering who you are and who you want to be, and making this decision isn't separating yourself from the rest who aren't in compliance with your life, it's more like building your strength for those times when you DO have to go out on your own, and you don't have a choice of who is around you anymore.  Let yourself be positively influenced by the people who have your very best interest at heart, by people who will support you whether your ideas and dreams are ridiculous and by people who will be truly honest with you.

We are constantly under the influence of this world, and those that surround us pull on our strings, but WE make the decisions in our lives and decide which strings we want to pull back on.

-Rubi Anne Dijamco-Agostini

Definitely Maybe

I’m in the middle of reading an e-book entitled, The Book of Maybe by Allison N. Carmen and it has reminded me of the power of that word, MAYBE, and how if I can learn to live my life with all the possibilities that Maybe has to offer, I can significantly reduce the stress of fear and worry in my life.  It is something that I’ve been practicing (and by “practicing” I mean that I often forget and revert to stressing out but I am catching myself earlier and earlier in a situation and trying to take captive my thoughts and change my perspsective).

First, let me state that I have considered myself a “planner” type person, meaning, I liked being prepared and having a “game plan”. I have often not been fond of “spur of the moment” or risk. Now, there is nothing wrong with being prepared, but this mindset often left me inflexible and in fear of spontaneity and stressed out when things didn’t go as planned, which as we know, is often!  Instead of thinking of a “glitch” as an opportunity, I would often take the mishap personally and think that the universe had a vendetta out for me.

In the past few years I have been striving to live in the realm of Maybe, which is simply changing my perspective on the day to day circumstances that happen in my life.  Allison N. Carmen says it this way, “None of us know for sure what life will bring.  What Maybe gives us is the chance to embrace the opportunities uncertainty brings with it and to live each day we do have to its very fullest.

So here’s a hypothetical scenario: One day, I get let go from a job.  I can think of it as horrible and wonder how I and my family are going to get by; or maybe…….I can think of it as an opportunity to look for the job that fuels my passion. I look for and find a position and get hired at a company that I’m passionate about, but I have little to no experience in that field.  I can be scared to death, anxious or maybe…...I can be excited. On the first week of my new job I make many mistakes, get reprimanded for taking too much time doing a simple task, and have no one to eat lunch with.  I can quit, whine and complain and/or beat myself up or maybe……I can learn from my mistakes, ask for help, and make new friends.  After a month or so, I realize a co-worker and I just don’t get along.  I can bad mouth, undermine, pick a fight or ignore him/her or maybe……I can take an opportunity to practice to forgive, have mercy, grace and honor and just be held accountable to my own actions.

The first example of the Maybe life in the e-book is a story about a farmer whose horse runs away.  His neighbor says, “You have the worst luck!” and the farmer replies, “Maybe”.  That horse comes back a few days later with 5 mares in tow and the neighbor says to the farmer, “You have the best luck!” and the farmer replies, “Maybe”.  The next day the farmer’s son is riding one of the mares and falls off and breaks his leg. The neighbor says, “Oh, you have the worst luck!” and the farmer says, “Maybe”.  Within that week, the army comes to take all able men to war, but since the farmer’s son has a broken leg, they leave him home. And the neighbor says, “Man!  You have the best luck!” and the farmer says, “Maybe”.

I encourage you (and myself) to live from this moment forth a Maybe life.  And if someone comes to you lamenting about the circumstances in their life, tactfully introduce the Maybe lifestyle to them as well.  Let’s change our perspective and just say, “Maybe, Baby”.

-Tessa L. Charles

Life's a Beach

One early morning last week, I went for a walk on the beach.  There were only a few surfers in the water, but for the most part, the beach was empty.  It was so beautiful and peaceful and with each step, a deep serenity began to replace the usual “to do” list normally foremost in my mind.

Realizing that my footprints were the first on the beach that morning, a revelation about the landscape began to take form in my thoughts.  By sunset of the previous day, the beach had evidence of many footprints in the sand; shallow pits dug by little hands here and there; forgotten toys and random bits of trash littered its surface.  But by morning, the tide had washed away all evidence of the previous day’s use and once again, the beach was new and ready for its day’s inhabitants.

How like the beach, our lives are.  Each day has its footprints made by friends, family, and sometimes careless users.  Each day has its pits; its amusements; its bits of litter, but by the next morning, we are allowed to start anew.

You may be thinking, “Yeah, sure.  That’s a nice thought, but what about all the rough stuff that I still have to deal with from the days before?  I still have those bills due.  I still have my kids to worry about.  I still have…….”

I have posted a picture from my walk.  It shows the image of the beach that morning.  You will notice all the pebbles/rocks still left on the beach from the days/weeks/months/years before, much like the “rough stuff” in our lives, that doesn’t get “washed away” each day.  However, as you know, the sand and the surf work together with every wave break to help soften and smooth each jagged rock until after sometime the rock becomes a smooth pebble.  Soon that pebble becomes smaller and smaller and the parts that wear away actually become part of the landscape.  In fact, the daily wearing away actually helps to replenish the beach and add to its content and beauty!

I like to think that like those rocks, our problems, with time, also become less prominent and painful and soon wear away to actually help to contribute to the beautiful landscape of our lives.  That is, if we allow for the irritation of the sand to rub up against the problem and the occasional “beating up” of the waves to help cleanse it; meaning, we’ve got to position the problem in a place where it’s going to be dealt with and that’s not always going to be comfortable; but the closer the rocks are to the water, the faster they get worn away. You can probably guess what that means.

Today, I bless you with courage and tenacity and with the vision of hope that helps you to see that sometimes, problems can be the opportunity to add to the richness and beauty of the landscape of the beach that is your life.

-Tessa L. Charles