Banish the Back Burner Bummers

I have a dear friend who had been a stay-at-home Mom when her four children were young.  She told me a story of what happened to her one Christmas morning a few years ago when her four grown children were in their early twenties and still living at home because they were in various stages of going to school and/or working. 

With Christmas music playing in the background, her husband and children were gathered around the decorated Christmas tree, all the presents she and her children had shopped for and carefully wrapped were passed out and within minutes all that festive wrap lay strewn across the floor, the stockings had been purged of their contents and a cacophony of joy filled their house.  What no one noticed is that my friend had not opened her presents.  Not even ONE.  And that was because she didn’t have any.

It was not until the family had put all their booty away and she began preparing breakfast that my friend’s one and only daughter gasped and cried out, “Mom!  You didn’t get any presents!!!!”

My eyes filled with tears as she told me this story because I had just been complaining to her about my last Christmas wherein my Christmas stocking lay sad and flaccid with a package of tissue, mint gum and hand sanitizer that I had bought myself, while the stockings of my husband and sons (which I filled) were overflowing and burgeoning like fat sausages fit for someone who says, “Fee Fie Fo Fum”!

If we have constantly put the wants and needs of others before our own, who can we blame when others treat us the same? Now, please understand I’m not trying to place any blame, shame or guilt on any one of us, but what I’m saying is that we have to instill upon ourselves and those around us that we are a priority and important as well.  We don’t always have to be last on the list.  We draw boundaries. 

For instance, when my kids were very young, I would take my showers when my husband was home and ask him to please occupy my children so that they would not disturb my only 20 minutes of “alone time” in the day by banging on the door, crying hysterically like I had abandoned them for life!  My husband did such a great job that to this day, they still don’t bother me while I’m in the bathroom.

By having some self-respect, we teach self-respect to our children and more specifically, to our daughters.  Think of it as a more valuable inheritance than any amount of money.

-Tessa L. Charles

“You are a priority. Not an option, last resort, or toy. Don't allow anyone to treat you like anything less.”- Ritu Ghatourey

Be Who You Are Today

I used to be a size 6….a few times to be exact.

In my 20’s I used to get crazy haircuts with fun colors.  Now my hair has only two colors and that’s only when my roots are showing!

Before I had kids, I used to have a belly button that looked like pursed lips.  Now it has deep lines all around as if those lips smoked A LOT and is set in a perpetual frown.

I used to be able to wear a small watch.  Now, when I stretch out my arm far enough for my eyes to focus on that watch, its features are too small for me to see the time!

I used to be able to walk in stiletto heels all day.  Now, three hours max…..sitting down.

I used to be able to recover from a cold or muscle exertion in 24 hours, now it takes me a week. 

I used to remember where I put my keys.  I used to go out to dinner more.  I used to buy and look at fashion  magazines.  I used to be able to stay up all hours of the night.  I used to take my kids to play dates.  I used to……..

There’s no use in lamenting who I used to be.  I am the person who I was destined to be, right now.  My past has made me who I am today and I am proud of that.  I embrace myself right now and I vow to live the best and look the best that I can today.  It’s time to let go of who I was to become who I am.  I am awesome and so are you.

-Tessa L. Charles

Put Up Them Dukes

I remember a time when my children were very young and I was a stay-at-home Mom. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed.  My children were quite needy, my house needed constant upkeep and there just were not enough hours in the day.  I often put my own wants and needs on the back burner, to the extent that when I was asked in those days what I wanted or needed, I didn’t even know.

I hear that so often from women and not just because they have small children at home.  I think we become so accustomed to taking care of the needs of others (our husbands, children, aging parents), it becomes easier and easier for us to forget ourselves and before you know it, we’re out of shape and/or we’re unhealthy and/or we’re looking “worn out” and feeling invisible.   

My husband and I were talking about this the other day and what we decided is that a caretaker needs someone to fight for them; someone to fight for the caretaker's CARE!  As they say, “hindsight is 20/20” and although my husband was really good with spending time with our boys, he admits that had he known, he would have fought more for my care by giving me more time for myself; drawn boundaries for the boys to give me a few moments of peace and quiet each day to “regroup”.  I told him that had I known, I would’ve asked him to fight more for my care and be my advocate when I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) say no to our sons or any outside demands. Oh what wisdom getting older brings! 

This is why I’m bringing it up, because it’s not too late.  If you have a spouse, ask him/her to be more aware of your needs and to fight for you when you don’t have the strength or forsight to fight for yourself and agree to do the same for him/her.  And don’t be afraid to speak up if your spouse is not picking up your cues at first, especially if you’ve never done this before.  If you’re single, be proactive and when you look for a mate, look for one who will fight for you.  If you’re a single parent or your spouse is unwilling, see if you can get a friend/parent/sibling/relative to be your advocate and if not, FIGHT FOR YOURSELF as best you can.  Remember, no one benefits if you end up feeling invisible and insignificant. 

You’re worth taking the time for yourself to look better, feel stronger, and be healthier and happier.  And if you find a fellow caretaker who has no one to fight for them, do yourself (and them) a favor and be their champion.

-Tessa L. Charles

Garanimals Wisdom

I remember a clothing brand when I was young called Garanimals.  They were clothes marketed, I suppose, to those consumers who were either style “challenged” and/or for parents who had children who wanted to pick their clothes out themselves.  The brand made it easy to match tops and bottoms for children by choosing the labels that matched each other.  For example, if you chose a shirt you liked you’d look at the label of the shirt and if it was a monkey, all you would have to do to find a matching pair of bottoms would be to find another monkey labeled bottom.  Ingenious!!  Frankly, I wish someone would carry a brand like that for some adults!

Today, I’m not thinking about our style as much as I’m thinking about matching our outside with our inside and vice versa.  I watch TLC channel’s, “What Not To Wear” a lot and every episode is not just about the clothes and style, it’s really about matching a woman’s outside with their inside, and honestly, when the women are dressing badly, it’s not because they’re style “challenged”, it’s almost always because they have self-worth issues and they’re either dressing to “disappear” or dressing to get attention, but usually negative attention.

Like Stacy and Clinton (the hosts of the TV program), I’d like to remind ourselves that we are each unique and valuable individuals.  We were not created to be like anyone else.  We each have something remarkable that we are to bring to the world and if we buy into the lie that we are not enough, than what we have to offer will not be brought by anyone else.  The lie was meant to shut us down and that’s a travesty!  Do we have flaws and weaknesses?  Yes, but we are NOT our flaws and weaknesses. We are meant to enhance, use, multiply and bless this world with our STRENGTHS, because where we are weak, someone else is strong!  That’s why it’s good to get out of our heads about our weaknesses so that we can work together effortlessly in our strengths.

Today, and in the next few days, make a list of your strengths and intentionally play them up, like make-up plays up your features.  And don’t forget to bring that bit of quirky uniqueness that is yours alone for that “pop” of color and interest.  Most importantly, do NOT forget, we are all incredible!!!

-Tessa L. Charles

Taking It Back!

Many times when the news comes on, I can only bear watching for a few minutes before I have to change the channel or turn off the TV altogether.  I suppose it’s because the top stories usually are the most sensationalized which usually means they’re the worst news of the day.  So until I learn how to not allow the bad news to make me feel bad, I will listen to it sparingly. 

However, I have been learning that although I may not control the whole world, I can have some say about the area I inhabit or my “kingdom”.  You see, I am meant to have dominion, which means to have authority or be the “king” (“queen”) over my dominion; king + dominion = kingdom.  I consider my kingdom myself, my family, my home and who knows? Maybe eventually, my street, city, state………

“What does that look like?” you might ask, because it’s not about control over my kingdom as much as I have the authority over the effect circumstances have over my kingdom.  So for instance, if something negative happens to my son, let’s say he falls and sprains his ankle on our walkway to our house one evening,  I, having authority over my kingdom (house, son) and can choose to rant and rave at my husband about how I’ve told him many times that we need to get that walkway fixed and/or I can help my son tape up his ankle and tend to his wounds and/or I can light up the walkway so that doesn’t happen again and/or I can…..well, you get the picture.  What I can’t do is make my husband fix the walk because he has authority over his own “kingdom” (himself), but I do have some influence for the sake of our son because we are both invested in our son’s well being or his kingdom, if you will.

I also have authority on how circumstances affect my kingdom, because I can get angry about the situation, which wouldn’t do anything positive, or learn from it, and in doing so turn it into something positive (which is what lighting up the walkway would do). 

What’s cool is that my “kingdom” can expand, and that could be for the good (or the bad, as we can see from the news).  I believe that when enough of us have “good” kingdoms we can expand them and join together so that there’s no more room for the “bad” kingdoms/circumstances.  I believe that has been the plan all along!  It just takes persistence and actually using our authority instead of giving it away! 

So now perhaps, I think I just talked myself into watching the news more, so that as a wise king/queen, I can develop strategies to overcome the bad and expand my kingdom.  I can’t do it alone; I’m going to need help.  Whaddaya think?  Wanna take it back?

-Tessa L. Charles

All I Want

Although my wonderful husband likes to give gifts, he’s admittedly not a good gift giver.  He hates to shop and isn’t very intuitive as to what someone might enjoy, which is fine because I do like to shop and I enjoy finding the perfect gift for others.  That works out fine for others, however, it made it a little tricky for him giving me gifts.  After many years, we finally worked out a solution; he’ll “sacrificially” go shopping with me, and, since I like shopping, I consider that part of my gift and then pick out what I want; I think of it like a double gift!  The only problem he has with that arrangement is when he asks me before we go shopping, what I want, I frequently list what I need.

Do you frequently talk yourself out of something you want because you don’t really need it?  I do.  I’m frequently thinking to myself, “I shouldn’t be spending money on that” or “I really should just purchase what I or my family needs” or “If I get this, I’m just being selfish”.

Now there’s nothing wrong with using our discernment in order to be wise with our resources, especially if we have a strict budget.  But it’s not wrong to find a way to indulge in what we want once in a while.  To always deny ourselves is living in a poverty mind set and that mind set only begets more poverty.  Whether you know it or not, there is power in our words, and if we find ourselves frequently saying, “Oh, I’ll never be able to afford this or that”, guess what?  We never will!  So what we’re really saying is that we don’t deserve what we want or we’re not worth it and what we end up creating is more of a poverty mind set which in turn keeps us denying ourselves…..well, you see how that ends up being a whole cycle of making “poverty” come true, right?

We weren’t meant to live that way, and really all that needs to happen to change that mind set is to change our words and attitude and be wise with our resources.  I’ve found it helpful to make a list of things that I want (not need) and not everything I list is very expensive.  That way when I’m asked, what I want, I have a better answer than, “Uh, I don’t know” or “Oh, it’s okay, I don’t need anything” (another method I’ve used to deflect from my wants). 

This weekend, I challenge you to make your list and change your mind set from this day forward.  You deserve it, and you’re worth it.  Have fun!

-Tessa L. Charles

Love Glasses

More than sixteen years ago, as the due date of the birth of my second son approached, I became increasingly concerned about whether I could love my second son as much as I loved my first.  Allow me to explain:

At the time, I felt like I loved my first son with everything I had.  In my mind, to have any love saved up or left over for any other child was not loving my first son properly and so I was consumed with the thought that I could not possibly conjure up any more love for the second.  I knew how unfair that would be to him and I was afraid I couldn’t be a fit mother to him.

The second he was born, I found out what all mothers know: Love grows!

A couple of weekends ago, I attended my 30^th high school reunion.  I went to a very small high school and though our graduating class was the largest in the school’s history at the time (we only had 83 members!) it was still easy for us to know and have a great foundation of love and respect for each other. 

Being that I had helped in the planning of the reunion, I knew that some alumni had not attended any of our previous reunions and so I wondered how we would relate after not seeing each other in 30 years.  We had such a good time catching up and just spending time loving on each other!  It just was astounding to find out that despite time and distance, not only does love grow, love endures.

I have mentioned I am part of a group of women who are studying a book called, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss.  Last night we discussed a chapter about marriage.  The women in our group vary in age, life experience and marital status.  What we learned from those wise women who have been married for long periods of time and those who were married more than once and from one who is widowed is that despite the vast differences between men and women, love forgives, does not hold grudges, and is eternal.

By now you know that I am a big proponent for knowing that whatever you believe in and are passionate about is what you will find on a day to day basis.  Simply put, you find what you want to find.  It’s easy to see the “bad stuff” in this life; it’s in your face.  But I believe if we look hard enough, we can find the “good”.  I consider love a good thing and so I will put on my “love glasses” each day and find out how I can continue to expand my definition of love.  Surround yourself with people who exemplify the “good” and glean from them.  They’re probably right under your nose.

-Tessa L. Charles

Mother's Day

It’s been over a week since I last posted because I’ve been on vacation, but I didn’t want to let Mother’s Day pass by without saying something about the women in my life.  I have a number of women who are mothering to me, some related to me and some who aren’t, most are older than me, but curiously, some are my age or even younger.  You know who you are and I am ever so grateful to you for pouring your wisdom into my life. 

I come from a long line of really strong women.  What I know of my paternal great-grandmother was that she had 6 children and had to deal with a husband who had many other simultaneous “families” as well.

One of her daughters, my grandmother was VERY headstrong.  To illustrate this point, the day she died, she was told that I was coming to visit.  I had been the only one who hadn’t seen her in a while even though she had been asking for me.  When I got to her room, she was fighting for her last breaths and willing her eyes to open to catch a last glimpse of my sons and me.  It was only after I held her hand that she relaxed and in 5 minutes went to her final sleep.  I believe she knew me well enough to know that if I had missed seeing her one last time, I would feel guilty and she did NOT want that for me and so she battled death itself to wait for me.

My maternal great-grandmother had many children and birthed my grandmother en route between Mexico and California and probably not in a hospital because my grandmother’s precise birth date continues to be a mystery.

Her daughter, my grandmother was quite head strong and strict and survived a tough childhood, a difficult marriage, breast cancer, a large tumor in her abdomen, and had severe dementia for over 25 years before passing away last year before Mother’s Day at the age of [roughly] 103. 

My own mother, although just as tough, is in so many ways very different than her own mother.  Thank God, my mom is so much more patient!  Had she not been, I doubt my brother would be alive today!  When I was very young, my mother instilled in me a love for reading, responsibility towards those younger than me, and high moral values.  When I got older she taught me how to dress tastefully (I certainly did not learn that from my Dad!), and TRIED to get me to act more like a demure young lady.  I’m pretty sure she was less successful at that last trait than she intended, but perhaps that’s why I ended up with sons instead of daughters! 

I remember several distinct moments in my life when I REALLY became aware of how much I appreciated all that my Mom had done for me and for the loving caretaker that she continues to be.  The first time I got really sick with the flu after I had moved out; the day I had a miscarriage; the day I was in labor with my first son; the day I had my second son; the days when both kids and I were sick; and the day my oldest had surgery for a torn ACL and all those days in between when I vacillated between wanting to kill my kids and feeling guilty…….for wanting to kill my kids!  I’ll NEVER be the patient, calm mother that she was and is but I’m hopeful that that trait may skip a generation.  Sometimes I’m sad that I’ll never get to be the mother she is to me to my own daughter because I have sons, but then maybe I wouldn’t have been anyway since we’re so different.  I just hope that in the long run, I make her proud no matter what.

And so, we celebrate all us women who are Moms whether we have borne children from our own bodies or not; those of us who sow seeds of love into one another and who see each other for whom we really are.  I honor you and consider it a privilege to speak into your lives.  Happy Mother’s Day everyday!

-Tessa L. Charles

I AM

 I am cake.  I’m warm, soft and sweet.  The ingredients that make me up are usually wholesome. On the outside I have icing and it can be colorful, super sweet and attractive.  If you tried to just enjoy the icing without the cake it would eventually make you sick.  The icing is meant to enhance me, it’s the bonus. I’ve seen people eat the icing and throw away the rest.

I am a book.  I have a cover that may or may not belay my content. To really understand me you must read me, and all of me, not just choice sections.  If you are patient and thoughtful each word will be a revelation.   There are those who won’t even bother to read me because they’re judging me by my cover.

I am a geode.  If you’re not smart, and don’t know what to look for, you’ll pass me by.  I am strong, and I may be hard to crack, but if you know how to do it without harming me, I will give you all that is valuable and beautiful within.

I am a watch.  I am functional and beautiful.  My face can be designed simply or more elaborate, however what is behind my face is very complex and intricate and fragile.  If one is careless or not mindful of when I need to be recharged I will stop working.  Many people choose to purchase cheap watches and just dispose of them when they're done.  But if you make a wise choice, and treat me exceptionally, I can be a valuable legacy handed down from one generation to the next.

Now re-read this blog, replacing each italicized word with the word, “woman”. 

I am a woman, and unlike each italicized word, if I am thrown away, judged, passed by or disposed of, I cannot be replaced.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYDznm02FJo&feature=youtu.be

-Tessa L. Charles