The Power of Words

It’s been one of a few prevailing themes of this blog to make us aware of keeping our words and thoughts about ourselves and others positive rather than negative (see blogs: Tag That Tongue and Follow Ol’ Rafiki, He Knows The Way and Grace Growers).  I keep reiterating it because the negative is all around us, in advertising, the news media, in magazines and sometimes I think we become inoculated to its effects and just accept it as normal or humorous.

For example, I had the TV on while I was eating my breakfast a couple of days ago and someone was talking about some of the fashion on the Red Carpet displayed at the Academy Awards last Sunday.  This person was just “ragging” on some of the women and their clothing choices and even their reactions during their acceptance speeches.  He was just tearing apart people and to what end?  It was really ugly and offensive. 

I have to admit, there was a time when I thought one way to be humorous was to make fun of people; in fact I became quite good at it, so much so that I remember being asked to be a copy contributor for the year book of one of the universities I attended and was specifically asked to make my copy humorous by “bagging” (criticizing) on fellow students.  At my 5^th year high school reunion, I was asked to “roast” classmates.  I look back and I think, how sad that that’s how others saw me.  Sure, they laughed, but what they (and I) didn’t realize was that I was hurting inside and being sarcastic and caustic was a way of letting that hurt out; similar to the “cutting” that young people find themselves doing now, only I was hurting others, not just myself. 

What I didn’t recognize was that I always had an affinity for words, that I had an ability to make my words powerful.  I proved that because I was known for it.  I proved it because my negativity actually hurt people.  So now, in my more “seasoned” years, and after been surrounded by righteous people, I have learned that I can use my power for good not evil; to heal not kill; to uplift not tear down; to inspire not choke.  It's what I'm hoping this blog is accomplishing.

Today, I’m challenging us to change our thoughts and words.  Whenever we think something negative about a situation and/or another person, let’s quickly take captive those thoughts/words first and exchange them for the postive.  See the situation/person with different eyes.   I’m posting a video clip that demonstrates this:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU. Take it and run.  Words can be words of life or words of death.  Let’s choose life.

-Tessa L. Charles

So Who's (Ac)counting, Anyway?

So here we are at the cusp of the beginning of spring; the weather is warming up, the grass is green, and trees are starting to show some buds.  I’m wondering how the New Year’s resolutions are going.  I congratulate those of us who have kept at them, good job!  I applaud those of us who have “fallen” off the wagon, but have gotten up again and again, perseverance is most admirable!  And I encourage those of us who still have not started and are thinking it’s too late.  It’s never too late and don’t forget, springtime is a good time for new beginnings.

One way of staying on track is to be accountable to someone we trust, perhaps a friend who will faithfully check in on us, encourage us and applaud our every accomplishment no matter how small; someone who will not judge us, but will also be the one who will give us a much needed kick in the pants if we need it. If we are so blessed, we might have more than one person who fits the bill. 

I am a blessed person, as I have several people on my “team” who are so wise, accepting, discerning, gracious, uplifting and so very giving.  Some of them have been in my life FOREVER, some just for a short time, some live near me, some live far, a few are men, and many are mighty, mighty women.  They keep me accountable via email, phone call, text, social media, Skype and yes, even in this techno age, in person!  I have turned to one or more of my “posse” when I’m discouraged, disappointed, frustrated, angry, and depleted.  I have turned to them when I’ve celebrated an accomplishment and have good news to share as well. 

One of my goals for creating this blog was to provide a safe place where those of us who have been so blessed as to have such supportive accountability “friends” can “pay it forward” and perhaps even broaden our accountability base to each other.  Remember, one of the best ways to acquire an accountability friend is to be one.  I would consider it a victory in my life if I can be as good an accountability buddy to my buddies as they are to me.

As always, I encourage you to share our comments, and concerns.  If you are unable to leave a comment on this blog, feel free to email me at: dailytlc@gmail.com and I will copy and paste your comments directly on the blog if you want.  I’m not saying an accountability friend will have all the answers for you, but sometimes all we need and want is to be “heard”.  Send a note of thanks to your accountability posse today and have a wonderful day.

-Tessa L. Charles

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These

While perusing FaceBook this week, I read a post from a friend of mine who was describing a reoccurring dream.  A few of us friends tried to “interpret” her dream, some of us humorously.  It reminded me of a reoccurring dream I have had which was quite terrifying to me each time I had it, but I’ll tell you how I “kicked its behind”!

The “scene” or circumstance in my dream was always a little different, but the “plot” was always the same.  It always occurred in the dark; at night or at a place like an underground parking lot. I was always trying to get somewhere, like a house, or to meet a friend/relative; somewhere “safe”.  Then a dark, shadowy figure would always approach me and start trying to get me off course by distracting me, he (I never saw the figure fully but I had the “impression” that it was male) would try to point me in a different direction or ask me for something from out of my purse or pocket.  If that didn’t work he’d get physical by grabbing my arm, then pushing me, tripping me, or grabbing my leg and if that didn’t work, he’d throw boxes and other objects at me or in my way and as I would try to fight to gain ground towards the safe place, the objects would get bigger or more dangerous.  I would try to avoid him, run away from him, wrench out of his grip, fight against his attempts and avoid the objects but then I would wake up never reaching my goal and always frightened and frustrated. 

After having this dream a few times I tried to figure out what the dream meant and it didn’t take long to decipher that the dream occurred whenever there was something new or uncomfortable happening in my real life.  I don’t consider myself a particularly courageous person, but I thought I could at least be courageous in my dreams!  So I planned that the next time I had the dream I would do something different, and I did. 

The next time when the dark figure tried to get my attention, I held up my hand to him and purposely walked towards my “goal”.  When he tried to hold me back, I fought him off the best I could, and finally, when he threw boxes and objects at me, I stacked them on top of each other and climbed on top them, getting me closer to my destination.

That was the last time I had the dream.  To be honest, I never reached my safe place, but I remember feeling very peaceful and accomplished at the end of that dream, and I suppose learning to use the objects as buildings blocks instead of stumbling blocks was the whole point.

What “stumbling blocks” are keeping you from your “destination”?  I never found out who the “figure” was, for all I know it could’ve been ME!  What fears and or excuses are you using to stop you in your tracks?  Don’t let the adversity stop you, instead, use it to your advantage; use it to PROPEL you! CONQUER your dreams!

Have a nice weekend, all!

-Tessa L. Charles

Ten Years Later

I just finished reading the newest book by Hoda Kotb (Co-Anchor of the Today Show on NBC) called, Ten Years Later  http://www.amazon.com/Ten-Years-Later-Adversity-Transformed/dp/1451656033/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1361388090&sr=8-1&keywords=ten+years+later

It is about the real life stories of six people who have overcome incredibly challenging difficulties ranging from illness to the loss of relatives (yes, plural) in 9/11 and how they are surviving and thriving today, ten years later.  As the author herself summarizes, “These people didn’t just fight their way through adversity, they forged better lives because of the battle.  Their journeys are measured in the very small steps that painstakingly result in change and the big, bold leaps of faith that launch dreams.”

That description is the very reason why I wanted to read the book in the first place because I felt it fell in line with what I was trying to accomplish by writing this blog.  My intention was always to include and share the inspiring story of you, the reader, as well as the few lessons I have learned myself.  Each of us has at least ONE inspiring story just waiting to be told, to unite as well as encourage each other.

I found the book to be very inspiring, and at times I literally found myself gasping at the circumstances these normal, everyday people had to endure.  I was very encouraged by their resilience and I admired their tenacity exemplified by their ability to take the necessary steps not only pull themselves out of a tragedy, but to use it to propel them forward. 

Tonight, if you find yourself in or near the Walnut, CA area, I’d like to invite you to join a women’s small group wherein we will be reviewing another book called, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. This will be our first meeting and we will be meeting every other Wed. from 8 pm to 9 pm.  It may even be possible for you to Skype in if you’re not in the area.  It gives us another opportunity to use our experiences for the encouragement of each other.

For details or if you’d like to share an inspiring story of your own (and you’re finding you can’t comment on the blog itself because you don’t have a Google account), you can email me at dailytlc@gmail.com. Looking forward to your inspiring story!

-Tessa L. Charles

I'll Be There For You, When The Rain Starts To Pour

Yesterday my family and I had the privilege to have lunch with my high school classmate and his family who were just in town for the weekend.  The last time I had seen my friend and his wife was at a class reunion 10 years ago and we didn’t even much time to speak.  It was so nice to catch up (as much as we could) and re-visit “old times”.

This friend and his brother were very kind to me during a very turbulent, confusing time in my life.  My parents were bitterly divorcing, and although I was in my late teens/early twenties this was an earth shaking event for me.  At the same time, I was in and out of college having a difficult time navigating my own life.  Those guys were my anchor, tethering me to themselves when my own family could not.  They were my comedians making it easier for me to exchange my tears of pain for tears of joy.  They provided a sofa for me to sleep on when I could not bear to go home.  When I was lonely and hopeless, they were my red roses in the rain.

I can only hope that I can honor their friendship to me by paying it forward and being “them” to someone else.  Hopefully, you have had such a friend or friends; I have been blessed to have had many.  Today, I urge each one of you to send a quick message of gratitude to that person or to those people who have meant so much to you and let them know it.  I just did.

-Tessa L. Charles

The Day After

I hope everyone had a special Valentine’s Day yesterday, spending time with the one or ones we love.  I remember a time when Valentine’s Day and the days prior to Valentine’s Day were just plain painful and I’m sure there were some who dreaded yesterday and are glad February 15 has come.

I mentioned in a previous blog (see “Attitude of Gratitude”) that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and I have to admit that Valentine’s Day is probably one of my least favorite “holidays”.  There’s the whole “commercialism” aspect and more importantly the celebration of our love for others on just one day.  See, similar to my feelings about Thanksgiving (being that we need to be thankful every day) we need to show our love to the people around us every day.  In the last blog I posted, (see “Love Actually”) I proposed that it is possible to love people, even those we don’t particularly “like”, and so let’s do us all a favor and show it. 

I know, it can seem a daunting task, especially when we have been programmed to think that “loving” someone entails “retail”, meaning giving gifts etc. but what about just thinking the best about another person – ALWAYS? Now that’s a cost effective mind-set!

What about when we see something that reminds us of someone to just call or text that person to tell them you were thinking about them?  That’s really meaningful.

How about seeing another person, not as they are presently (especially if they’re being a pain), but how you know they can be and then call them up to that standard?  How?  Well Moms, we’re really good at this! Remember when we first found out we were pregnant?  How we just knew our kid would be the next President of the United States?  And then when he/she was 2 or 3 (or 23) and they weren’t acting very “presidential” we’d call them on it? We’d say, “Hey, that’s not very presidential!  Don’t you know who you are and who you’re meant to be? Now act accordingly.” Now THAT’S a loving act!

And so today, the day after Valentine’s, I am calling out our best.  Let’s love on the people all around us from this day until….well….forever.  We know who we were meant to be, now let’s act accordingly.

-Tessa L. Charles

Love Actually

I was talking with a friend yesterday and we proposed an interesting question to each other, and now, in light of Valentine’s Day, I propose it to you, I am very interested in what you have to say.  So here’s the question: In some cases, is it easier to love someone than like them?   At first it seemed preposterous, but the more we discussed it, the more it seemed plausible to us.

Using myself as an example, when I was younger, although I loved, protected and cared for my younger brother, there were many times when I just couldn’t stand him! I even asked my mom once if I could divorce him!!   I love my sons, I would die for them without a second thought, but if I’m honest, when they were babies, there were those early mornings, after days and days of “early mornings”, I just felt like throwing them out the window!  I love my husband fiercely, but some days………well, you get the idea!

We came to the conclusion that it is okay not to like everybody, even the people we love.  What’s important is that we continue to love them, honor them, and respect them despite their idiosyncrasies.   We remember, we love them, honor them, and respect not because of who they are, but because of who we are.  We don’t take their mistakes personally; in fact, whenever we perceive that they are making personal attacks or when they’re careless with their remarks, we give them the benefit of the doubt and think otherwise.

 I’m not saying we let others steamroll over us and take advantage of us, in fact, it is actually a loving act to respectfully confront those who are treating us (and/or others) dishonorably.  And if they continue to mistreat, it’s fine to love them……from afar!  I truly believe there is a way we can love, even the most unlovable.  I’ve seen it.  I’m not perfect and I am admittedly, in the “practice” stages.  

I’m sure all of us would love to hear your input and your personal experiences, I know you have them.  I have been made aware that some of you have tried to leave comments and have been unable to.  I learned yesterday, that you may have to have a Google account to leave a comment and I’m really sorry about that.  Had I known I might have chosen a different blogger site.  However, you can email me at: dailytlc@gmail.com and I will post your comment and then respond.  

Thanks and have a great Valentine’s Day!

-Tessa L. Charles

Baggage vs. Luggage

My family and I enjoy watching that movie with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds called “The Proposal” whenever it’s on TV.  There’s a scene where Betty White, who plays the grandmother of Ryan Reynold’s character, says of Sandra Bullock’s character, “Boy, she comes with a lot of baggage.”

I was reminded of that scene yesterday, when I attended a class in which we talked about  how each of us have “baggage”; in layman’s terms it means the burdensome, negative thoughts about ourselves that we “carry” in our day to day lives often hindering us from a fulfilling life.  Sometimes it’s hard to determine how to get rid of our baggage for good.  We discussed the process would take defining, recognizing, unpacking and then re-packing.

First we defined that “baggage” is the different from “luggage” in that baggage was usually packed by someone else while luggage is packed by us.  Then we recognized what the baggage was by writing down a list of all the offenses, curses, abuses, diagnoses, negative “predictions”, bitter vows (those things said like, “you’ll never amount to anything”, or even, “I’ll never be like that person”), familial curses (“you’re just like so and so” or “all the people in our family have diabetes”), mind-sets etc. that we could remember.  Next, we “unpacked”, whereby we tore up and threw the list into a trash can and then said out loud that we didn’t want that in our luggage, and that the list was no longer who we were.  Lastly, we re-packed by declaring over ourselves the EXACT opposite of what we listed.  For example, if I listed, “I’m never going to be debt free”, I declared, “I am wise with my money and I will be prosperous”.  Just because it’s not true at the moment doesn’t mean it’s not the truth of who I am! 

On a daily basis, I know I will have to remind myself not to pick up that old baggage; it can be a hard habit to break.  I just have to remember, I really want to travel and I want to travel light!  And I especially want to remember to “leave room” in my luggage………for all the good stuff I’m going to pick up along the way!  There’s room for travel mates, why not get rid of your baggage, pack your luggage and come along? Hey, and bring some friends!

-Tessa L. Charles

Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

Ok, I know I wanted to emphasize pet peeves this week, but I just can’t take another day of it!  I want to end the week with something positive, a cleansing “breather” before the weekend.

I was listening to a podcast this morning and I wanted to pass along a little something I heard.   I have to admit, this wasn’t the first time I have heard this recently, but honestly, I’m still in the process of integrating it into my life.   The message was about starting this year with a new mindset of prosperity (and who couldn’t use that?).  Here’s the part that I’ve been processing.  Did you know that part of opening yourself to a prosperous life is to genuinely celebrate the accomplishments of others?  I say “genuinely” because I have to admit, sometimes I put on a happy face when someone gets something new or gets recognized for something they’ve done, but inside I’m envious or jealous or I inwardly think that they don’t deserve recognition  because of whatever stupid reason I can attempt to rationalize to myself at the moment.  I know, it’s ugly and I’m almost sure no one else does it but me, right?

I haven’t quite worked out the mechanics of why being happy for someone else opens up prosperity for me, so I welcome your thoughts, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far:  I DO know the opposite to be true, if I am acting like a “Negative Nancy” (apologies if your name is Nancy, I’m sure you’re a wonderful person!) I shut myself off from the good things of life.  People don’t want to be around a negative person let alone think of them when a good opportunity comes along, or invite that person to a special event for fear that person will “rain on their parade”.  Negative people plain and simple miss out.  So if that’s true, then I’m thinking the opposite must also be true; positive people are exposed to the “good things” of life and don’t miss out and so are open to good opportunities. 

Also, even if a “Debbie Downer” (again, apologies), is presented with an awesome opportunity, she is more likely to talk herself out of it focusing on the possible “down” side of that opportunity instead of being willing to take a risk and enjoying the ride.  Can you think of more reasons?

Ok, I know I said I wanted to end this week on a positive note, and so here is what I’m going to do, and I invite you to join me.  From now on, when some dear person shares with me their accomplishments, I’m going to genuinely celebrate with them, and by “genuinely” I mean that even if I don’t feel “genuine” at first, I will practice being genuine until it happens naturally.  Then, I will take captive any envious thoughts and not allow them into my heart.  Next,  I will purposely think and say that they deserve it, because they do, as do we all.  Sounds like a plan!

Have a wonderful weekend, all!

-Tessa L. Charles

Just A Little Bit, Just A Little Bit

By now you may have watched this video which has been on TV and has been going “viral” on Face Book.  It involves a young girl who was caught with prescription drugs and who is facing a bail sentence from a judge in Florida.  In case you haven’t seen it:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLA7dQ-uxR0&feature=youtu.be. 

I’m taking it as a sign that on a week wherein I wanted to talk about my pet peeves, this video pretty much sums up what I wanted to blog about today.  What I recognize as a prevalent lack of respect for others as well as an attitude of entitlement that is so pervasive in our culture lately.  You can see it manifest itself as chronic tardiness and what I consider another one of my pet peeves: people who just saunter across the street instead of crossing in a timely manner.  I feel like telling them, “Look, you may not have something important to do, but other people may.  Walk with purpose!!”

Now, I don’t want to rant without intention.  I think it’s alright to recognize why certain things bother us and to talk about it, but what’s not alright is to complain, and then do nothing to change.  It’s easy to shake our heads and then say, “This world is going to heck in a hand basket!” and then throw up our hands and leave it at that.  That’s NOT okay, and in my opinion, it’s pretty cowardly.  A friend of mine said it this way, “We were not meant to be a thermometer, but a thermostat”.  What does that mean?  A thermometer just measures what the atmosphere is like, but a thermostat can change it! We have the power to change this world; we have the power to do so in a wise, respectful, honoring manner, but it’s going to take a discerning, brave few to start, and WE are just the perfect bunch!

So now you’re probably asking, what do we do about a disrespectful attitude?  How do we change a mind-set of entitlement?  Well, to be honest, I don’t have all the answers; which is why we need each other’s input.   I’m thinking a good place to start is with ourselves and the people nearest to us.  We model and teach respect towards ourselves and others by not cursing each other on the freeway.  We ask for and accept help from one another.  We show a good work ethic without complaining.  We “save up” for luxuries instead of paying on credit.  We appreciate what we have instead of comparing to others.  We celebrate another person’s accomplishments instead of being jealous.  We honor someone else’s time by being timely ourselves.  Hey, how about an attitude of gratitude (hmmm, sounds familiar….)? 

This isn’t going to be easy, but I know we can do this.  I’m looking forward to hearing your pet peeves as well as your suggestions for how we can become “thermostats”.  You guys ROCK!

-Tessa L. Charles

Park It!

This week’s blogs are going to beg for some input from you, the reader.  I wanted to take an opportunity to air some of my pet peeves as well as offer a forum wherein you can air yours as well.  I have learned that to rant on and on about my own personal pet peeves have done little in the past to relieve or change situations.  However, when I have taken a moment to recognize the root of why something “gets on my nerves”, I can then try to figure out something that I can do constructively and pro-actively to change the situation, and in that way I won’t have to rage on feeling powerless to it.

For example, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don’t bother taking their shopping carts a few feet to the cart park and then just leave their shopping carts anywhere in the parking lot, often blocking another parking spot or in a place where the cart can easily hit another car.  I have often seen people push their unloaded cart to an area that is actually further away from the cart park just because they appeared too lazy to take a moment to look for the nearest cart park area.  I have often wondered if they felt the hot, sharp daggers of my gaze, but I doubt it.

Recently, I figured out why it bothered me so.  It is because to me, it shows a lack of accountability.  Here’s how I see it, the storekeeper has provided a nice parking lot and a shopping cart for my convenience (for free, I might add), the least I can do to repay the favor is to return to them their carat in the proper designated area so that I can allow another customer to enjoy the convenience that store has bestowed on me.  I guess an argument can be made that the store offers a parking lot and cart so that I, the consumer, will find it convenient to shop there and therefore get my repeat business, but so what?  And I supposed it can be rationalized that the store owner probably pays staff to gather shopping carts from the parking lot and so therefore, returning the cart is “not my job”, but I think I’d rather have that staff member in the store actually helping me or someone else.  Besides, I was always taught (and have taught my own boys) the “leave it better than you found it” concept.

Next, my “buddy”, “Rage” and I have decided to be pro-active and have harnessed our power for good and not evil, and we take our cart, along with all the others we find “misplaced” along the way, and return them to their happy home.  I’m hoping someone notices us and pays it forward.  I admit I still get peeved every time I see “rogue” shopping carts in a parking lot, but I’m trying people!

So, now here’s an invitation for you to air your pet peeve(s) and what you’re doing (or planning on doing) pro-actively.  I know you have great ideas to help all of us use our power for good.

-Tessa L. Charles

Workin' 9 to 5

Ok working Moms, you didn’t think we’d be left out did ya?  What a special work we are doing for our families!  If we’re working outside of our homes out of necessity or because we’re passionate about our careers we deserve applause.  It is no easy task balancing work, home and for some of us, continuing education as well.  I often feel like one of those circus acts juggling items while balancing on a plank on top of a large ball!

Last night I was watching the TV show “What Not To Wear” and coincidently (or was it???) they were making over the wardrobe of a woman who was a physician as well as a wife and mother.  Her daily routine included working at her full time practice, and then picking up her children from school and driving them to whatever extracurricular activities they were involved in.  She explained that once she had turned 40 she consciously “resigned” herself to the fact that she was never going to be one of the “beautiful people” and that she just dressed “adequately” to get by.  She acknowledged that she didn’t want to be noticed, she just sort of wanted to disappear.  But she admitted that in doing so, she often was not taken seriously in her profession.  I was sad that she couldn’t recognize her worth and so were the hosts.  They were able to gently point out that her accomplishments were more than “adequate” and then asked her if in 20 years she would like it if her daughters’ opinions of themselves turned out to be like hers.  Of course she said no and then began to realize that she had to be their role-model.  They pointed out that she didn’t have to be one of the “beautiful people” to be beautiful and feel accordingly and their make-over demonstrated that.

I guess what I wanted to emphasize today is that we don’t deserve to get so busy as to ignore our own accomplishments and self worth.  I have a friend who says it this way:  We are human BEINGS and not human DOINGS.  So let this be a reminder just in case we have forgotten, we are strong, intelligent, fulfilled, loving, exceptional, joyous, accomplished, BEAUTIFUL women!  Let’s let the outside match our gorgeous inside! And let's not let anyone (including ourselves) make us feel guilty for working, we're sharing our talents with the world and there's no shame in that!

I am asking that you share your experiences with us because I know you’ve got inspiration for us to celebrate with you.  Some of you have mentioned that you were unable to post comments, and I’m trying to see if I can rectify that.  Admittedly, I’m not very techno savvy so please be patient.  Thanks and have a great weekend!

-Tessa L. Charles